Sunday, October 30, 2005
Saturday, October 29, 2005
I present, for your viewing pleasure (or non), me with long hair, circa 1997:
What a blast, man. I'm thinking it might be time to try and stop shaving my head! That is if I have the patience to get through the lengthy "awkward phase". We'll get the rest of the rolls back on Wednesday... I can only imagine what we'll find in there!
Thursday, October 27, 2005
I was staying at the Disney's Grand Californian Hotel, although neither the building nor the grounds looked right. My mother and and I were walking outside talking when we saw a rather large black wolf roaming close by unattended. Its fur looked as soft as down; fluffy and inviting. The kind of fur that you would love to pet and scratch and bury your face in. But there was something oddly menacing about the creature's face... its eyes. His eyes. Somehow I knew it was male although I could see no evidence of that. Some psychic impression of a masculine force that I found both threatening and alluring at the same time. This was a a bit disturbing, and even more so when we realized that it was moving toward us.
I suggested that we slowly move in the other direction so as to not startle it or draw undue attention to ourselves, but it just kept moving closer, now picking up speed. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest... as thoughts of maulings and rabies filled my addled brain. Grasping my mother's hand I pulled her away from our intruder as we began to walk faster, faster... now trotting toward a group of picnic tables partly surrounded by some tall trees and shrubs. As if the beast knew our plan, and hellbent on stopping our escape to refuge, he began running at full speed toward our position, a realization that sent our already elevated levels of concern over into what can be described as the first levels of panic.
"Run!!" (Did I yell that or was it someone else?) Ignoring my mother's physical comfort, I pulled her arm as hard as I could as I made a mad dash for the tables, my mind reeling with fear and with purpose. Upon reaching them we stepped up on to the bench, and then onto the table's surface, feeling accomplished and relieved that we had survived unscathed. Our pursuer, however, had other plans. He began to snarl and growl, his eyes filled with a type of primal malice I had never considered until that moment. It chilled me to see it, but this sensation was short lived, replaced by white hot fear when the wolf began to step up first onto the bench and then next onto the table; his front paws now violating our beloved sanctuary.
With as much speed as I could muster I swung my train bag toward the creature hoping to scare it away; my mind filled with conflicting thoughts... primarily of safety and defense, but now also of concern for my beloved bag. Thoughts of pristine name-brand black leather being scratched and mauled beyond repair, and now embarrassment at having these frivolous concerns. I swung a second time, now a third, and the creature responded favorably, retreating slowly down the table and the bench until it had completely yielded the high ground to us; our feelings of security returning. Did I notice something else about it? A tinge of gray? No, more than a tinge. Had the creature somehow changed color during our encounter? Before I could ponder further a slight movement caught its eye and like a bolt of lightning it streaked away from our position to a small path of flowers and bushes across from us where some unfortunate creature had been foraging for food.
With the wolf turned away from us my mother and I seemed to share a single thought between us though no words were spoken. Just as we began to turn to make our way down from the table in the hopes of making it to one of the nearby hotel buildings and thus to safety, the wolf turned to face us once more and we were frozen in horror. No, not horror, for that would require some understanding or at least an assumption of a threat, but what we saw now was so foreign so as to replace any prior concerns with crystal sharp disbelief; slicing through my brain and leaving me helpless to do anything but watch the spectacle playing out before me. The wolf had now not only changed color once more --now black and gray with an undercoat of golden yellow brown-- but had now seemingly changed shape. His front legs seemingly more muscular than before, his paws replaced with what seemed to my eye to be hands. His torso was likewise muscular and had it not been for the thick coat of fur that covered him completely I would have thought it human. Could this be a human being? In the moment that it took to begin to dismiss such an absurd notion the creature grabbed hold of his prey which I now saw was a small raccoon, and lifted it with both hands to his mouth and bit into the still living animal. It was precisely the kind of stance and motion that one would expect from a bear, but coming from a wolf --even a somehow changed wolf was more than common sense could allow for. Blood flowed over his lips and teeth as he enjoyed his meal, turning to face us now head-on so that I could witness this mockery of the natural world, or at least a mockery of my understanding of it. "A werewolf?" I asked myself. "Is it even possible?"
With him enjoying his catch seemed the perfect opportunity to flee and so we bolted from the tables and ran as fast as we could toward the hotel, our pursuer not following. Inside and to safety at last we were joined by other guests and then the hotel staff who were now all talking at once, leaving me unable to decipher what individual words they were saying but their speech all filled with the tones of concern. My heart beating hard in my chest, but calming now as I took deep breaths and began to feel more secure. I heard someone ask us what it was and as we recalled our story they looked on in amused disbelief.
"Oh, the hotel has people in costumes all around here, I'm sure that's what that was." The person's genuine and yet somehow simultaneously patronizing tone washed over me like snow.
"Well if that's what it was," I replied, "then I'm going to have to complain to management."
Saturday, October 22, 2005
Friday, October 21, 2005
Monday, October 17, 2005
Chas and I have never had what one might call a "conventional" relationship. From the very beginning we have been able to date others as we see fit... it was only when we started this triad that things became more exclusive which lent itself to problems for me when it became apparent that I was the one who was ending up largely on the outside looking in. I knew for awhile that I probably just needed to take the pressure off... go out and date and be my own person... but Chas wasn't OK with that, and I understood. He wanted this triad to work, as did I, but since it wasn't working for me, I was the one who needed to stand up and say so. So... things seemed to be ending for all of us.
Today, however, a new plan. Actually an old plan that I had awhile ago but now it is being listened to with new ears. Chas and Daniel can keep what they have. (I had no desire to break them up just because it wasn't working for me...) but now I am freed to do what I want. I don't have to find my romantic outlet in a person who isn't in a place to give it to me. I can find it where the universe leads me.
So while Chas and Daniel will remain together and exclusive... I will keep my relationship with Chas the way it was before. Basically I can date now, which let me tell you makes a world of difference for me.
Perhaps without the pressure things can be allowed to progress (or not) between Daniel and I. What's nice is that there will no longer be a need in me to make it work at all costs. If it happens it happens. If not... well, then at least I don't have to feel trapped in a space in which my needs aren't being addressed. Today it all seems very positive. We shall see where this new plan leads us...
Sunday, October 16, 2005
This link was emailed to me today and I thought some of you would be interested. It details several (several!) people who resigned from the Bush administration, (either voluntarily or otherwise) often citing strikingly similar reasons. In some cases the administration attempted to put their own spin on the reasons these people left, but reading even a random sampling of these will likely cause you to see the emergence of a larger pattern. It's nothing new, per se, but it's quite shocking to see the sheer numbers of those who have resigned for similar reasons. It certainly helps to paint a picture of this administration as something that is blind, dangerous, and the greatest threat to world security we have seen in quite some time.
From The Fallen Legion: Casualties of the Bush Administration:
In late August 2005, after twenty years of service in the field of military procurement, Bunnatine ("Bunny") Greenhouse, the top official at the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers in charge of awarding government contracts for the reconstruction of Iraq, was demoted. For years, Greenhouse received stellar evaluations from superiors -- until she raised objections about secret, no-bid contracts awarded to Kellogg, Brown & Root (KBR) -- a subsidiary of Halliburton, the mega-corporation Vice President Dick Cheney once presided over. After telling congress that one Halliburton deal was "was the most blatant and improper contract abuse I have witnessed during the course of my professional career," she was reassigned from "the elite Senior Executive Service... to a lesser job in the civil works division of the corps."
To read more, including a (rather large) list of others who were similarly discharged or resigned, follow this link.
Friday, October 14, 2005
Cross-posted to :
I am now accepting applications for a new Feri tradition class that will begin in January/February 2006.
Feri Training - Level One
(2 Years/50 twice-monthly sessions)
Location: Antioch, CA
$20-40 per month, sliding scale
This foundational class deals with the basics of Feri practice. Using discussion, guided trance, and ritual, we will experience various aspects of the tradition culminating in the establishment of a Feri tradition spiritual practice.
We will meet on the 2nd and 4th Sunday afternoons per month at my home. Each session lasts roughly 3-4 hours.
Covered topics include:
- History of the Tradition
- Working with Energy
- Aligning the Three Souls
- Basic Feri Ritual
- The Iron and Pearl Pentacles
- The Black Heart of Innocence
- The Elements of Feri
- Working Tools
- The Guardians
- The Divine Twins
- The Infinitum (Gods of the Feri Lemniscate)
Class size is limited. Potential students should complete an application
and mail it along with a cover letter to:
PO Box 3736
Antioch, CA 94531
Interviews will be scheduled for selected applicants.
For more information about my Feri classes,
including my Long Distance class, click here.
Click here to view my current class schedule, and to sign-up for email updates.
Thursday, October 13, 2005
I've tried to write this several times. Long story short... I broke up with Daniel on Monday.
Contrary to what has already been publicized about this event, there is anger, and there is blame and enough hurt to go around to make sure we all get our share.
But there is also hope. I hope that I have learned from this situation to never again put myself in the position to give my power away. I hope that in the future I will not be so willing to give up on my ideals just to preserve the peace, and I hope that if we do eventually meet someone whom we feel we want to open our hearts and our relationship to that we remember that they also need to mesh with our lives. I will not change who I am for anyone. I drink sometimes... I smoke pot and the occasional cigarette. I like to have long romantic dinners and talk about politics and religion. I like sex. A lot. These are the things you are in for if you date me. I will not put them away again. Not for anyone.
We said it before and now I'll say it again: Chas and I are a package deal. We've been married for over 12 years. If you date one of us you are dating us both. It doesn't need to be "equal" because that's absurd. (How can you love two people "the same"? Love is always different... that's the point of it.) But if you are dating us then it means that you are committing to making a real effort to meshing with us. Not just one or the other... but both of us. Together, apart, backwards, upside down, whatever. If you can't do that then we are not the ones for you. It's just a waste of time for all of us.
In the end I would have liked more honesty, but that is often said of failed relationships. But while it is true that I felt he was at times being dishonest with me about his intentions, it is self-honesty that I feel was truly lacking, both for him and for myself. I think he deluded himself into thinking that if he could just live with us and continue with the way things were that he would eventually love me the way he claimed he did... and I guess I suffered from the same delusion. Down deep I think both of us knew it wasn't going to happen. This week I finally decided to stop waiting.
So now he is looking for a job and new place to live. In the meantime there is an awkwardness that permeates the house. My intention is to remain friends with him, but that will require a period of time with no contact... (it's the "break" in "breaking up") and until he moves our time apart cannot even begin. So we're in limbo... waiting... waiting. I hate waiting. I've done too much of it this past year.
I'm looking forward to a fresh start, just over the horizon.
Thursday, October 06, 2005
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
Daniel, my mother, and myself met up with my sister and her boyfriend for a nice Disneyland trip!
The staff at the Grande Californian Hotel rock. Last year I had a dissapointing trip to Disneyland (long story short several rides were closed and so I ended up complaining to the management, something that I never do. What did they do to make it up to me? Offer me a greatly reduced rate at their fine hotel and free tickets to the park. So now we are here having a great time.
But it doesn't end there... when they checked me in I got to bypass the line of people, and then I got a direct line for a person to help me out with all of the things I might need during my trip. Cool... that never happened when we stayed here before. And last night when we came back to the room we saw that not only had our beds been turned down... but there was a plate of chocolate cookies along with two glasses of milk on ice waiting for us... with a note from the manager of the hotel. That was great enough but then we turned around and saw that not only had they left us the traditional chocolates for our pillows, but we also now have a sequoia tree planting kit. Wowzers... they sure are doing a lot of make sure we are happy.
And we are... having a blast, in fact. Yesterday I finally got to ride the Matterhorn (it's always been broken when I have come here... I was beginning to think that it was really just an extravegant piece of decor and that its status as a ride was an urban legend...) and we also got to ride their new ride, Buzz Lightyear's Astro Blasters... (so awesome... must go again today)... this morning we will attempt to go to the new Space Mountain... I'm really looking forward to it.
So... we are having a really nice vacation. Gotta run, now... I will post more later...