Thursday, October 13, 2005

The Broken Triangle

I've tried to write this several times. Long story short... I broke up with Daniel on Monday.

Contrary to what has already been publicized about this event, there is anger, and there is blame and enough hurt to go around to make sure we all get our share.

But there is also hope. I hope that I have learned from this situation to never again put myself in the position to give my power away. I hope that in the future I will not be so willing to give up on my ideals just to preserve the peace, and I hope that if we do eventually meet someone whom we feel we want to open our hearts and our relationship to that we remember that they also need to mesh with our lives. I will not change who I am for anyone. I drink sometimes... I smoke pot and the occasional cigarette. I like to have long romantic dinners and talk about politics and religion. I like sex. A lot. These are the things you are in for if you date me. I will not put them away again. Not for anyone.

We said it before and now I'll say it again: Chas and I are a package deal. We've been married for over 12 years. If you date one of us you are dating us both. It doesn't need to be "equal" because that's absurd. (How can you love two people "the same"? Love is always different... that's the point of it.) But if you are dating us then it means that you are committing to making a real effort to meshing with us. Not just one or the other... but both of us. Together, apart, backwards, upside down, whatever. If you can't do that then we are not the ones for you. It's just a waste of time for all of us.

In the end I would have liked more honesty, but that is often said of failed relationships. But while it is true that I felt he was at times being dishonest with me about his intentions, it is self-honesty that I feel was truly lacking, both for him and for myself. I think he deluded himself into thinking that if he could just live with us and continue with the way things were that he would eventually love me the way he claimed he did... and I guess I suffered from the same delusion. Down deep I think both of us knew it wasn't going to happen. This week I finally decided to stop waiting.

So now he is looking for a job and new place to live. In the meantime there is an awkwardness that permeates the house. My intention is to remain friends with him, but that will require a period of time with no contact... (it's the "break" in "breaking up") and until he moves our time apart cannot even begin. So we're in limbo... waiting... waiting. I hate waiting. I've done too much of it this past year.

I'm looking forward to a fresh start, just over the horizon.


roy_batty said...

I'm sorry you have to go through this, and can empathize all too well with the situation. Sometimes, the best any of us can do is remain authentic and true to ourselves and our needs, and let the rest of life around us adapt as it must even when it's terribly painful and sometimes earth-shattering.
Know that folks (some whom you've never even met in person) are rooting for the best for you.

yezida said...

Blessings to you all.

nullzeit said...

i know this is your journal, i hope i can still comment.
i do love you storm, i've never lied about that. the love i have for you though never fully bloomed into the romantic stuff though. for that i'm sorry.
whenever we would have our talks i wanted to make things work. it was never a "just trying to buy more time" kind of thing. i know that might be hard for you to believe but it's true. this last talk we had i did think what can i do to buy more time, but quickly tossed that thought because it's so very wrong.
i agree on the honesty part in regards to admitting there was no future. i didn't always see the lack of future though. when i did it made me want to not give up. mainly because i do like having you and chas in my life.
i'll try and be out of the house as soon as i can.

faerywolf said...

Thank you very much. My thoughts have been with you, as well.

queer_ishmael_ said...

I had noticed that you and Chad had stopped posting entirely on LJ and since I don't know either of you in RL it didn't seem my place to say, hey, what's going on?
I am sorry to hear that the triad had to come to this but it does seem as if you have a clearer vision of yourself and will emerge more secure from it.
I got a Dear John e-mail yesterday from someone and what I realized is how much I was sacrificing myself to make him happy and now I understand no way, not again.
Similar situations but I realize not the same.
Blessings in your healing,

cangelo said...

I hope the transition is smooth and peace filled..
I hope that each of you finds what you Need and what you Desire..
you are LOVEd.

heartssdesire said...

I think I know something of how you feel. We went through a relationship with a couple who acted interested in us both, but ended up to be a lot more interested in me than my husband. The dishonesty was a big problem. But the inequality itself wasn't good either. You're right that you can't expect equal intensity of feelings for different people, but if the difference is big enough it should be a deal-breaker. If one or two of the connections is orders of magnitude deeper than the others, it puts the whole group dynamic off balance. For us, it seemed to start with a little wobble and then just go more and more off-center like a top when it's losing momentum, until the whole thing just crashed. O yes, did I ever learn from that experience. :) Hugs to you.

shlomarosenberg said...

Geez, I never know what to say about stuff like this or if anything even needs to be said, but I'm sure with you and really want the world to be kind with you and for you to be kind to yourself. The most I know of you is through your poetry and you have such a loving soul. You deserve the best.

iamthespark said...

I'm sorry guys. I'm thinking of you.

faerywolf said...

I know you never lied... I never meant to imply you did. It's just that despite all the talks to the contrary, you just were never all that into me... and not willing to get beyond whatever was keeping us apart. I just needed you to try a bit for the romance part. But you were never inspired so you never really tried, or if you did you gave up easily. If I tried then I was pushed away. There really wasn't anything else I could do. If I could fix it, I would. But it's not my thing to fix. I'm sorry.

faerywolf said...

Thank you... I appreciate your insight.
What inspired us that we could even hope for something more "equal" was a relationship that Chas and I had years ago... a wonderful man whom we shared a summer and our hearts. During the course of that summer his boyfriend would also be included and the four of us found something magickal. Unfortunately the plans were already in place for them to move far away, and so we were not able to keep things going, so we just accepted the time we had together and left it at that. But it was proof that more than two people could share intense emotions... sure not "equal" but "equal enough" to allow for a fulfilling relationship between us all. That's what I wanted... what I still want. I can't settle for less than that.

faerywolf said...

I'm thinking of you too.

faerywolf said...

Thank you, and blessings to you as well.

faerywolf said...

Thank you... I appreciate your kindness.

faerywolf said...

Thank you... that's very nice to hear. :)