Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Change I can't Believe In... [private]

So... about a month ago a jar of loose change went missing from our house. Kinda weird. We had just used it as a means of therapy for Chas' mom (she was to sort out coins into bowls to help her be able to discern the different ones) so it was out on our breakfast table. One day I was cleaning for an event at our place with some Feri students, so I collected all the change from the bowls and put in in the jar in the center of the table. Kinda cool looking, I thought.

We had our event and all was well. Then maybe a couple weeks later we needed some change for the store. That's fine, we thought, we'll just bring in our change jar... but then it wasn't there. We looked here and there and everywhere, but no jar. Weird. Where could we have put it.

Well, there's another little thing that was kinda eating at me. You see, my friend/roommate Daniel has this boyfriend whom for some reason I just don't trust. From square one I didn't trust him. Don't know why... just a feeling. At a party with some friends of mine I got to hear how at least some of my friends have the same weird feeling about him. Oh well, he keeps to himself and makes Daniel happy. What could be wrong with that?

Then the boyfriend loses his place to live and is suddenly practically living at our place. Ummm.... ok. Not a big deal, I suppose. He's there for several days at a time and then is gone for a couple then returns. A but weird, but we'll deal and see how long it goes on for.

Then I start hearing stories of how he's cheating on Daniel and then lying to him about it... and then only admitting it when confronted with incontrovertible evidence. Great. So we now know he's a liar. He says he'll change but then several weeks go by and it's apparent that he hasn't (kind of hard to keep it on the down-low when you're posting ads on hook-up sites) much to Daniel's dismay. Oh, he'll go to therapy now, he says, so I guess it's all better. Riiiight.

In the meantime it's still bugging me about the change jar. I mean, I know it sounds like it's not a big deal (and I can't imagine it was all that much change when you come down to it) but the jar itself was sentimental, and just the thought of it going missing from my house really bugs the holy frak out of me. The only other people in my house at the time it was downstairs were a couple of Feri people (who weren't ever unattended, mind you) and a couple of friends of mine, one of whom was unattended, but didn't even have a car, so I think lugging a big change jar out of the house unnoticed while I drive them to BART really isn't a likely possibility. Plus I know them, and they just wouldn't do it.

Today I told Daniel that I don't feel comfortable with his boyfriend being in my house unattended. I specifically said that I didn't want to accuse him of stealing because I really don't know where the thing could have gone... but all the signs point to this person, who has already proven themselves to be untrustworthy and who seems to actually get off on doing things and getting caught. Daniel said that if I felt this way then the boyfriend shouldn't come over at all, since I shouldn't feel uncomfortable in my own house, and I thanked him for his understanding.

When I came home from work today I was told that I had an email from the boyfriend to deal with, in which he's stressing to me that he didn't do it, and how he would never do anything like that to disrespect me, because he loves Daniel and by extension he respects those connected to him, and how stupid would it be to take something from our house when he is planning on returning there?

It's almost interesting: You see, I know this type of person. They are the ones who will casually betray your trust and then passionately plead their case saying that you're the one who's mistaken and if you only were to give them another chance then you'd see just how good they really are. I'm not a therapist, but I really think this is a type of Narcissism. It reminds me of the time that I heard through the wall of my old apartment the unmistakable sounds of my friend's boyfriend having sex with another woman while my friend was away for the weekend. (Unmistakable because I pressed my ear to the wall and listened for several minutes... oh, yeah I'm that kind of person). After he was confronted he came to me to say that I was mistaken and that what I actually heard was him talking on the phone with his mother! (Um... ok... what the hell kind of phone call was that and why was she screaming on a speaker phone???) What struck me was that he was so passionate about it that I wanted to believe him. Even though I heard him... definitely heard him, I still wanted to believe his story. Just like I wanted to believe the late Gabriel of BloodRose when he claimed that he never tried to coerce Chas and I into sex with him as part of revealing "the Queer Mysteries" of Feri tradition. The passion of his argument was very moving. Even though I was there and knew that he was nothing but a damaged liar, I still wanted to believe him. That's the power of glamor.

Because that's how Narcissists work. They manipulate and make you feel like you are the crazy one for ever doubting them. Don't trust all the evidence and logic in the world... just trust them. Been there, done that. "What" to the "ever".

Here's the thing... I still really just wish the jar would just show up in some weird place. Yes... I've torn my house apart several times looking for it (so has Chas, and so has Daniel) and so I really can't see that happening... but I still really want to believe his boyfriend. (Does that make me crazy?) But you know what? Even if it shows up I still don't want him in my house. Maybe the universe gave me this scenario so that he wouldn't be here to do something even worse.

Oh, and what of the other stories? My other friend got a phone call from "the other woman" a few weeks later. (I guess it wasn't his mother after all!) And I think those who really paid attention figured out what a liar and perv Gabriel was. Persevere, and it all comes out in the end.


At the end of the day I feel the worst for Daniel.  What a difficult position this has put him in. :(

Aaron's Facebook message:

Daniel told me the two of you had a conversation about the jar of change that went missing from your house, and I wanted to send you an e-mail to beg your understanding - I had nothing to do with wherever it went. I would never take anything from anyone without permission, I don't need money that badly and I certainly would never take anything from someone's house when I plan on returning somewhat regularly. I know I probably can't change your opinion, but it's deeply upsetting to know that I'm being accused with this severity - Daniel had vaguely kept me updated with what was going on, but I had no idea it had become this significant. I have always tried to be an excellent guest, I have kept your house clean and not abused everything that is yours, and I promise I have nothing but respect for you, Chas and your house. Please believe when I tell you I am not a thief and I would have hoped any previous behavior in your house would support that.

I love Daniel and by association I respect the things and people he respects. I know you and Chas have been significant in his life and I wouldn't want to hurt you, or attack you in any way, or steal from you, or do anything negative at all.

My response:

Hi, Aaron.

I'm sorry this has gone down this way. First off, please know that I'm *not* accusing you. In fact I specifically told Daniel that I didn't want to accuse you of it because I have no clue. There is no evidence and I certainly didn't see you do it.

That having been said, the signs *do* make you the prime suspect. Only you and one other person had unsupervised access to it, and the other person is someone whom I have known for years and who didn't even have the physical possibility of taking it as they have no car, and I drove them to BART after their visit. (So I certainly would have noticed them holding a big jar of change.) All the other people who were in my house during the time the jar was downstairs (four, to be exact... Chas and I almost never have guests) were never left unattended and so could not have done it. If it was taken, logic says you are the only person who could have done it.

But even still I don't want to accuse you of it. What I specifically told Daniel was that I am uncomfortable with you being in my house unattended. While this is largely because of this incident it is admittedly only in part. To be honest there is something about you that I haven't trusted from the moment I met you. It was just a feeling, and one that I put aside until hearing about how dishonest you have been with Daniel on more than one occasion. You have already proven yourself to be untrustworthy, and so I feel pretty confidant that not having you in my home is a pretty good call.

I'm sorry if that upsets you. I'm *more* sorry for the position that puts Daniel in because I know that he really likes you and would like to spend time with you. But it's just not going to be able to happen here.

I wish you well, Aaron.


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