Friday, August 27, 2004

A New Poem

My Fevered Dream
For Daniel

If I could open up my soul
A shining light that blinds the sun
And in my bliss devour you whole
I would, my love
I would.

Do not be afraid of how
For you my black heart burns.
A flame so hot it sears the flesh
A fevered dream
And you the cause and cure.

Beyond the bounds of ego's reign
Beyond all time and sense
Between the worlds we dance and kiss
I am captured
It is useless to resist.

A fly in amber stopped in time
as my heart skips a beat
my soul ensnared within your eyes
A dream...
from which I hope to never wake.


Monday, August 23, 2004


Chas went out dancing tonight with Daniel. He just called a little bit ago and said that our car got broken into... smashed the window and tore through the glove compartment. We really didn't have anything of value in it. Maybe some CDs. I'm surprised that they didn't take the stereo, though. I'm waiting for them to come home now... hopefully it wont be too bad.

Thursday, August 19, 2004

The Perfect Date

I got home a couple hours ago from the most perfect evening. Went and picked him up at his work and then back to his place for some quality time that included Buffy the Vampire Slayer video gaming, as well as lots of kissing, cuddling, and other forms of bonding hotness. Then out to grab some food, and then to see Spider-Man 2. We had plenty of alone time in the theatre before the show to talk and laugh and smile, and during the show we held hands, cuddled, and often took time to look into each others eyes... I swear I was beaming the whole night. After I took him home I drove back to my place on cloud 9...

I am very happy right now... A state of bliss inside of which eternity exists.

Disturbing Dream

My night was filled with strange dreams. We were at a big party with many celebrities in attendance. I find myself in a room full of straight people that included Portia DeRossi. Her and I seem to be getting along and I tell her that I prefer her current work on Arrested Development to her older work on Allie McBeal. She's happy about that. Suddenly everyone in the room has decided that they wish to have an orgy. Portia doesn't want to participate in the larger fray, but instead wants to get me secluded in some corner so I can orally gratify her. C'mon, Portia... I'm gay.

"The best ones always are", she says before lifting her cream-colored skirt and attempting to make my face her seat. I see she's wearing an electric blue thong. I chuckle and take my leave.

Out in the main room, the party is in full swing. Banquet and buffet tables overflowing with every sort of culinary delight. Is that Oprah? I make my way over to say hello.

I am intercepted by a slightly overweight, plain-looking man in his late 40's. He tells me that he needs to buy a book for his 12-year-old son and I suggest A Wrinkle in Time by Madeline Lengal. He seems disinterested and makes a rude comment. I decide to confront him and so I chastise him for his rudeness... an event that seems to obligate him to listen to the reasons behind my book-suggestion. We start walking while I tell the tale of A Wrinkle... and before too long I realize that I am outside... in the suburbs... late at night... with this stranger... I continue telling his the story and at some point I look up to realize that I am witnessing a total eclipse of the sun... at midnight. It seems a dark omen... I lose my place in the story and realize that I too am hopelessly lost.

We arrive at his SUV and he offers to drive me back to the party. I get in and we end up driving to his house. It's a huge one in a really nice neighborhood. I'm wondering while I'm there. He says that he has to get something and then he'll drive me back. I look for his address with the intention of calling Chas and having him come and get me... but to no avail... my cell phone is getting no reception... or is it the battery?

We enter his house and he goes onward, presumably to his room and I wait in front of the door. I realize that I am in the house of a strange middle-aged man who is a stranger to me. I'm bothered and am struck with concern for my safety. Maybe he's a serial-killer? A rapist? A Republican? I test the doorknob... still unlocked... anything happens and I make a run for it.

Suddenly a blond woman wearing nothing but a white open robe walks by yawning... her breasts exposed. Before I can look away she sees me and lets out a yelp. I am, after all, a complete stranger in her house late at night. I apologize, and so does she, but I can see that there is something more in her eyes. I am filled with the impression that her husband has done this before and that she has been in the habit of trying to keep that knowledge out of her white suburban consciousness, but instead of calming her that denial has caused her to be bitter and cold behind her veneer of false warmth. A part of her is dead and I feel sorry for her. She wraps her robe around her and makes her way into the kitchen.

The man returns and apparently has had a few words with his wife and is now ready to take me back to the party. With some trepidation, I get into his vehicle and strap in our seatbelts... when he starts the engine the scene changes and we are in his TV room on his couch... still seat belted, and watching a strange scene on the screen... disembodied heads floating in a large vat of clear liquid, all casually talking to each other as if at a fancy cocktail party. There's a b-actress I haven't seen in awhile... and there is one of those strange aliens that reminds me of the Cantina scene in Star Wars. They're all just lazily sharing stock-tips and golf scores... the price of condos, and who's-hot-this-year. The man recognizes the film and says it's a classic work of some obscure director. I start to notice that I am feeling strange... slight visual hallucinations and a fuzzy feeling in my head. Have I been drugged? Then his wife again enters the room, complaining that she can't sleep and that she has a headache. He goes to get her an aspirin, and I say, "I'm sorry you have a headache." to which she replies, "You just won't stop, will you?"

I wake up with a puzzled feeling. The whole psychic vibe was oppressive in a way... foreboding. Lucky for me that feeling didn't translate to the waking world as it often does with me. Good... 'cause life has actually been pretty kickass good lately and I don't want to spoil it for no good reason. I have a date tonight and I'm looking forward to it. :)

Sunday, August 15, 2004

My (not so) Secret F(a)eri(e) Page

After discussing it with other initiates, I have decided to make the information and art that was on my secret Feri page, available to the public. Now, all of my non-oathbound Feri materials can be found on one page: HERE.

I had originally wanted it to be a community building tool just for initiates and students of Feri, but have come to realize that there are many, many others who have no such "official" connection and who could possibly benefit from a little more Feri stuff. The many requests that I have received from interested seekers were moving and respectful. There are so many individuals who long for Feri study, but who have no access to an initiate/teacher in their area. Perhaps this little bit of art and lore will be able to tide them over until they can study proper.

Disclaimer: For the Feri-fundamentalists out there I should point out that I have not revealed anything that was oathbound in my line, and I will not do so. But keep in mind that there is actually very little in Feri that is officially secret, and those secrets do not (and will not) appear anywhere in my public work. If you have a problem with something that I have posted, please email me to talk about it. I doubt I will take it down, but I'm always open to the discussion.