Back from Between the Worlds...

I'm back from this year's Between the Worlds Queer Pagan Men's gathering and still getting acclimated to my normal life at home in California. We were delayed a day getting back because the remnants of hurricane Ike shut down the Columbus airport a few minutes after we got there. After waiting in the airport for a couple-few hours they scheduled us for an early morning flight the next day, and so we stayed at what was probably the skankiest hotel I've ever stayed at. It was fine, though... I just needed a roof and a bed anyway. I was appreciative for the shelter.

This was my 2nd time attending BTW. Last year was such a life-changing event for me and while this year was more subtle, it certainly provided me with good opportunities to grow, to celebrate, and to open up.

I was grateful to be able to spend some more time with queerpaganquill (to whom Chas took a particular liking!) ;) Quill, you are a very special spirit and I am glad to know you. I also had an opportunity to connect a little bit more with world famous author Christopher Penczak (torcboy). (Sorry... but I figured I can get away with poking you from a few thousand miles away, Christopher, without fear of impalement.)  ;) It was also nice to talk a bit more deeply with garan_du, even if I probably was making a drunken fool of myself, but at least I hope I was entertaining. It's always a pleasure to see lonespiritwolf2 and technocowboy, even if we didn't get much time to spend together due to everyone's duties, and such. It was also good to connect a bit more with gillshallows, dewinblaidd, drakematrix (even though we didn't get much time chatting), illious, devinswords,grey_twolf & jrtheotter, and the adorable jeffinthebox (thank you for serenading us at the campsite). There are others, but my brain is preventing me from finding LiveJournal names right now, so perhaps I should just stop there.

This was Chas' and my "official-pseudo honeymoon", having been legally married just over a week before the start of the event. I was also teaching a couple of classes along with the keynote speech, which was a new experience for me. (For those that know me in person you might note that I generally am comfortable speaking with large groups of people while we are all together... me being up on a huge stage with a sound system and spot lights was a little... disconcerting, at first. To the extent that when I realized that I couldn't easily see my notes --and was blanking out on how I was to begin!-- I just started talking, which I'm hopeful didn't sound like babbling. ;) I think I caught my stride, though, and am grateful to have had the experience to hone my skills a bit more.

I talked a bit about life passages for the queer practitioner, and drew from the Amethyst Pentacle that Chas and I wrote some time ago. Of particular interest (to me) is the concept of resonance (i.e. like attracts like; I see myself in you) as an alternative to polarity (i.e. opposites attract; I see other in you), as well as the idea of finding ones personal godhood and living from that, as opposed to unconsciously adopting traditional roles. I decided that instead of just another talk, that I would include some meditative elements as well, since that's what I think I do best. Included was a brief journey into the Faery realm, and then a Three Souls alignment, with an emphasis on love and sexual longing being a catalyst for the three drawing together in union. Hopefully this inspired some hot spirituality later on. ;)

Upon arriving, it was great to see some familiar faces. And during my stay it was wonderful to make some new friends. I feel such a connection to this community, unlike anything that I have felt before. While I do feel deep connections to certain individuals within my various Craft and spiritual communities, this is really the first time that I have felt connected to a community as a whole. Why? I think it might be because this is an intentional community and not one that is based on automatic inclusion due to markers such as initiatory status or who's famous. BTW and the Green Faerie Grove are genuinely interested in creating a space for individuals to come together to celebrate, to laugh, to share, and to grow. While other communities have tried to market themselves as a "family" (sometimes to the extent that if you do not feel the same way then you are sometimes told you are not really a true member!) this is the first time that I would feel comfortable using that word for a group overall. It is a common queer experience that we create "families of intention", seeing as how we are often strangers in our own homes; likely the only one in our biological family unit who is queer, thus left with feelings of separateness or isolation. To fulfill the need of familial intimacy, we often choose others who are like ourselves to whom we feel a special bond. This even goes so far as to find its way into our slang, referring to other queer people as "family", to highlight this intentional communion.

So this was a family reunion for me. And I was even more excited to be able to share this with Chas, who was unable to attend last year due to care issues for his mother. I was a bit concerned about how we would react to all of this, as this is unlike anything that he had experienced before. I think it was all summed up upon returning home when he turned to me and said, "Once a year is not enough!"

A big thank you to everyone who participated in making this event successful. Your kindness, your generosity, your conversations (and your kisses!) were all an important part of the exquisite tapestry that is BTW. I already can't wait for next year!

Between the Worlds!

Just a reminder that Between the Worlds, a Pagan gathering for Gay, Bi, and Questioning Men, will be closing registration on August 17th!

If you have been toying with the idea of attending (and believe me... you want to go) then toy no longer! Go to their website and get all the information you need to register before it's too late!!!

Post-Pantheacon Thoughts

It's taken me a few days to sum up enough clarity to be able to chronicle my experiences at this year's Pantheacon. Things have been rather busy for me this month... a major business trip right before the con... getting sick right after returning... the con itself...  performing my first Feri initiation... and then getting sick all over again! I'm still pretty tired, but I wanted to make sure to at least jot down some bullet points of the major experiences that I had at the con:

• The Feri Ethics panel

Friday night we had a panel on magickal ethics as seen by various initiates from different lines of Feri. Panelists were  Morpheus Anima (heartssdesire), Michele Jackson (mrj15), Thorn Coyle (yezida), Deborah Oak, Valerie Voight, and myself.

Some of the issues that were addressed included the supposed amorality of Feri, and the difference of morality (an external code of conduct to be applied evenly to every situation) and actual ethics (an internal relationship that is forged over time that can change and adapt depending on the situation; which I believe encompasses the warrior ethic of our tradition.)

One of the major points that I expressed was that religion doesn't have ethics, but people do. Sometimes people become distressed that Feri does not hand out a pre-conceived set of ethical guidelines that everyone must follow, to which I drew inspiration from something that Kathy Griffen said about Madonna on her show My Life on the D-List; when talking about her involvement in Kaballah, Madonna recited a version of the Golden Rule, talking about how whatever you put out in the universe comes back to you which is why you should be kind to others... to which Kathy replied something to the effect of, "You shouldn't need a religion to teach you not to be an asshole."

Some very profound things were said by the participants on that panel. Morpheus talked about ethics in connection with the teachings of folkloric Faery teachings; most notably the lore of the three roads as revealed to Thomas the Rhymer. Deborah Oak talked about how in Reclaiming Feri, they incorporate the Three-Fold Law of Wicca (something that most Feri don't connect to, but it was nice to hear another perspective) and Thorn talked about the necessity of being in alignment. I also revealed that --while there are many differences in practices throughout the larger body of Feri-- that there does exist a central Feri ethic which is: Shut the fuck up and listen to your Godself! ;)

• Ascension Magick with Christopher Penczak (torcboy)

Christopher's class was pretty powerful for me. As many of you are aware, Chas and I bought a metaphysical supply store here in the Bay Area last November, currently named Dolphin Dream (end shameless plug!) I found Christopher's class to be very helpful in coming to terms with some of the concepts of the "New Age" movement, such as the "Ascended Masters" which he expertly compared to the witchcraft concept of "the Mighty Dead". This also included a discussion of "the Seven Rays" (which even after having worked in a New Age store for 10 years I still erroneously equated to the chakras) as well as a powerful meditation to connect with them. Very potent stuff and now I have to read his book!

• Feri Ritual: Catching the Promethean Spark

I am very pleased with how the ritual unfolded. It was definitely a powerful rite, and one that was designed to help each participant cultivate a personal relationship with that spark of divinity within us that is the gift of the Gods. It began with a storytelling by Medusa, who expressed the story of how the Nephilim came from the four directions to grant us the gifts of civilization and magick. From there I led a trance in which we connected to those gifts by invoking the sacred crossroads into our own centers, and then we danced that Promethean fire into a frenzy (led by Thorn, Anaar, and Morpheus with sacred bellydance) taking it inside ourselves so that we can then pass it on to others, making sure that these teachings are shared widely to assist in the spiritual evolution of the world. Once again it was a very powerful ritual, and I am already hearing stories of powerful transformation that has been happening as a direct result of it.

• Self-Possession and the I AM with Thorn Coyle (yezida)

A more recently talked about aspect of Feri witchcraft is the idea of self-possession. Thorn talked about this particular aspect of spiritual practice and led a powerful meditation of soul alignment involving voice work, from her upcoming book Kissing the Limitless. Very good stuff!

• The Guardians of the Feri Tradition

I was very pleased to offer my very first presentation at Pantheacon. In it I talked about my connection to these powerful beings, as well as passed some of the lore that I have received about them. Then we invoked them in order to have a personal relationship with them. I've had some good feedback about it and look forward to seeing how this work develops for some of the participants in the future.

• The Spiritual Birthright of Men-Who-Love-Men with Hyperion (revhyperion)

I was very pleased to have finally met Hyperion, whose work I have been aware of for awhile. He gave a wonderful talk and simple (yet powerful) ritual for connecting to the Ancestors of Men-Who-Love-Men in a framework of an ancestrally revealed practice that he calls the Unnamed Path. We descended into the Underworld in order to search for the ancestors --not of our specific bloodlines-- but instead those of our sexual family; the ancestors of Men-Who-Love-Men. When in communion with them several of us received messages from these ancestors and we shared them with the rest of the group. In general they seemed to want us to live our lives to the fullest, and I was touched by both their deep wisdom, and fierce compassion. It is definitely work that i would recommend that gay, bi, and queer men look into, and you can listen to Hyperion's podcasts on the subject by visiting his website.

I was also struck by his process of creating sacred space, which is not "casting a circle" (which tends to be a type of container or barrier) but is instead "Raising the Great Crossroads" which is practically identical to what I was taught in my Feri training (without it being called that). (In a nutshell, I was trained to orient myself to the six external directions, taking their powers and gifts inside me to find my own center, the 7th direction.) Chas and I have been talking about and working with this recently as a ritual alternative (or at times a "supplement") to casting the circle, as the Crossroads construct is more about connection and orientation to the various worlds in which we walk as witches and warlocks. It was striking to hear how similar Hyperion's practice was to our own and I am looking forward to connecting more with him and his work in the future.

• The GLBT Hospitality Suite

Another high point was the GLBT suite in which the promo video for this year's Between the Worlds was unveiled. I am both proud and humbled to have been chosen to be the keynote speaker there this year and was happy to meet this year's musical guest, Mac Apodaca of Sevenrepeat. He was a sweetheart and I'm looking forward to seeing (and hearing) him at the retreat.

The GLBT Suite was a welcomed safe-space and retreat from the intensity of the con... a nice place where we could all just hang out... get a drink (or a few)... and maybe kiss some hot men. I found myself there every night of the con and only got slightly scandalous. ;)

• And last but not least, Shopping!

I found some really incredible finds this year. It was extra fun because I was not only searching for pretties for myself, but also for our store. I found some great jewelry, some great clothing, and these really wonderfully carved wooden staffs. I purchased a large one that is carved in the form of a ram's head, and Chas got a smaller one carved like his raven totem. We also got some fine handcrafted leather masks and bracelets and are looking forward to being able to purchase some for our store.

There were also some things that I wanted to go to but couldn't: Morpheus' talk on the Three Souls (which happened right as we needed to check-out of the hotel!) and Valerie Walker's (veedub) class on the Iron pentacle, which coincidentally was at the only time that I could meet with my own students for some much-needed face-to-face time. I heard that it was great, though.

All in all it was a great experience. It was the first time that I have been able to be there for the whole time, and with Chas, no less! We both had a great time hanging out together, and we celebrated an early 15th anniversary there (which was lucky, since on our actual anniversary we were both sick!)

I was very happy to see some old friends, and to make some new ones. It is certainly an experience that i would recommend to everyone who is interested in Pagan spirituality, as there are so many different types of people and presentations there that there is certainly something for everyone. I already can't wait for next year.

But for now I am tired and am going to bed... for all of those whom I saw at the con (and probably didn't have near as much time to hang out with as I would have liked): I miss you already.

Seasons Change

Another aspect of BTW for me was bringing things up to the surface which had not been properly addressed.

It's funny, 'cause when you do the kind of work that I do it's easy to get lulled into a sense that you have already worked on all your stuff. Oh sure, I do my cleansing and my introspective work, but sometimes what you really need is a change of scenery to put it all into perspective. And if that scenery is a magically charged space, well... then expect the unexpected.

Those of you who know me socially, as well as those whom I met and saw at BTW, are probably familiar with the fact that I have been seeing/dating Philip (southernpm) (aka "the weekend boyfriend") for some time now. In fact, some of you might be more accustomed to seeing me with him than with my husband Chas (carnivalia) since the two of us rarely leave the house together due to his mother's care needs. Long story short, as Philip and I stepped into the space of BTW it really started to put a magnifying lens on those issues that we needed to look at, the result of which is that we have decided that we make much better friends than we do lovers.

While there is some level of sadness at losing (at least the idea of having) something more, I am really happy to be making the conscious transition into what feels like a much better place for us all. In terms of break-ups, it's one of the very best I've encountered, which is a testament to each of our commitments to honesty, communication, and above all compassion. I'm looking forward to exploring what it means to be his friend, without any of the pressure that had inadvertently built up over our time together. I think we'll make great friends. How do I know this? Because we already are.

I have some other thoughts about some things that occurred for me at BTW that I will likely post more privately soon, but for now I am happy to report that I made some really good connections there that I am truly grateful for.

More later.

Back from Between the Worlds...

I arrived home safe and sound early Monday morning from my week of camping at Between the Worlds in Ohio. I'm still adjusting to "the real world" (whatever that means) but I wanted to take a moment to chronicle my feelings and experiences at the event.

I originally had some feelings of trepidation surrounding my attendance at the event. My experience with large groups of gay men (there were about 90 in attendance) have not exactly been all that kind; usually centered in places of addiction (i.e. bars) or basically focused on inflating some already over-inflated egos to the extent of coldness and cruelty to others. Perhaps I'm naive,  but I'm one of those people that feels that people should actually be nice to each other. Or, as carnivalia once put it, "You're one of those who actually believe what they taught you on Sesame Street, aren't you?"

My stress soon melted away as I arrived at the land: 625 acres of reclaimed land that as recent as 20 years ago had been decimated by strip mining. Today it is beautiful; paths and trees, and meadows... simply gorgeous, and a symbol of hope in a world that continues to exploit and destroy our natural places.

Whatever feelings of social anxiety I still had were alleviated as I met the individuals involved in the event; so caring and genuine. They put me at ease with their compassion, their laughter, and their fierce commitment to building a healthy intentional community. Never before have I experienced such a sense of profound love and acceptance, so much so that I was, at times, overwhelmed. My only other experiences with Pagan retreats have been the two Feri Camps that I have taught at, and one Feri Initiates gathering and while I found them all to be very powerful, transformative, and full of connection, it was BTW that spoke most directly to my heart and soul.  I have felt that certain individuals in the Feri community have been my "family". At this little temporary mystical village in Ohio, I felt a profound sense of familiarity even though I had not met most of them before; as if I were truly "coming home" to a family that I had not even known that I had forgotten.

One lesson that I learned was just how much of my power leaks away by living in a straight society. When I go to the grocery store, or walk down the street, I do not feel comfortable showing any level of affection for my husband or lovers unless I am in a queer specific place or a private setting amongst friends. It's an issue of safety, as I have been in situations in which I have been attacked and threatened for my sexuality. Until I got to BTW I had no idea how much of my attention and power is devoted to not showing public affection or being too "animated". It was an important lesson for me to experience, and I am working on incorporating this insight into my current practice.

There were a lot of inspirational experiences at this event. Between the workshops, rituals, intense conversations, and even a surprise heart-connection that swept me off my feet, I feel invigorated to take my practice in a new direction. Certainly one of the very first things I will be doing is returning to the book I have been writing about Witchcraft for Gay men.

I had an opportunity to teach a workshop ("The Amethyst Pentacle") which ended-up beginning with a little introduction to the Feri tradition. I received some good feedback and am honored and touched that so many people seemed to have gotten something positive out of it. The rest of the time I was simply attending other's workshops and basically "smoozing" which allowed me to meet and get to know some amazing people.

I had an opportunity to hang out with Christopher Penczak (torcboy) and his husband Steve Kenson (xomec). They are both really down-to-earth and talented people. (And very geekish, which of course is sexy to me.)  ;)

I also got to meet Doug and Joe from Otherworld Apothecary. They are both initiates in a branch of pre-Wiccan traditional witchcraft, and are ecologists to boot. I took their class on Land Based Craft which really opened up some stuff for me (and truth be told, kinda scared me a little, which to those of you who really know me will know that I then found it potent and cool!) I found their overall approach to be "very Feri" in places, or at least in what I was taught (as opposed to a lot of the public Feri stuff which has incorporated elements of Wicca and Ceremonial magick.) If you get a chance, go to their website. They not only have the finest quality traditional magical oil and herbal blends that I have found, but their bottles and labels are both beautiful and exquisite. Chas and I will be carrying as much of their products as we can after we take over Dolphin Dream in November.

The musical guest was Jeffrey Altergott, and if you are not familiar with his work then you owe it to yourself to check him out. His presence was soft, warm, and his talent is considerable. I didn't get much of a chance to speak with him, but I am hoping to remedy that next year. And I just saw that he friended me here on LiveJournal! Yay!

The keynote speaker was Sparky T. Rabbit. This was of particular importance to me, as it was his work with the Pagan band Lunacy that really paved the way for me to embrace a Queer Pagan path back when I was just a witchling. I made the point of letting him know, since I think it's very important to honor our elders, as they have provided the foundation for us to live and practice as we do.

There were so many more that made this event such a magical one and I would be hard-pressed to mention them all. Many thanks to lonespiritwolf2 and to technocowboy who have been trying to get me to this event for the past several years. I will indeed be going back and am already making my list of what offerings I'd like to present.

Now, I am getting ready for the next . I leave in two weeks for Massachusetts. I'm really looking forward to it. I even have a few new techniques to incorporate into my offerings there. It is promising to be a powerful event.