Feri Camp Retrospect

I'm back from Feri Death Camp, and while it was a wonderful experience it almost killed me.

Well, sorta.

My first day there I tripped and twisted my ankle. It was very painful and it swelled up for a couple of days. I spent a lot of time hobbling around and being offered various pain killing concoctions, some of which in hindsight I should have taken, if nothing else but for their street value. ;)

The second full day there I started to get sick. This is in all likelihood because of the mold that was present in one of the rooms in the building that was set aside for the teachers. We decided that we couldn't sleep there, and so closed the door (which you had to walk past to get to the other rooms) and decided to use the other two for the four of us. anaar and I ended up sharing a bed which we decided would be the foundation for a good series of rumors about my sexuality. The second morning there I had completely (and I mean *completely*) lost my voice... barely a whisper could escape my lips. After making Kala my voice returned (if only to a frog-like state) and at least I was able to do my work. I had been stressing about it before then, musing that my voice was the only tool I had to offer; so I guess the Goddess decided to teach me a lesson, and one that I think I learned in full. The classes and meditations that I offered were well received and my voice was certainly nothing like what it normally is, teaching me that I have more than just that tool at my disposal.

My morning path was well attended, far more so than I was prepared for so I had to make some last minute adjustments to the final morning's ritual. But it all worked out. My path was about working with the spirits of the dead. Specifically about connecting to their realm, and then helping them cross over, the final class of which was more of a ritual involving Malek Ta'us and the Middle Eastern myth of how he extinguished the fires of Hell. We journeyed first into our personal hell (as put forward by my husband Chas' article for Witch Eye) and then we descended into the underworld dimension of Hell to help trapped souls cross over from that place. It was heavy work and there were more than a few tears shed, including my own.

The Saturday night ritual really affected me deeply. The only plan was that Karina would do a possession with Ana, and I would be possessed by the Arddu. While possessed, I/Arddu would walk the circle looking at the ritual participants and I got the distinct impression that he was examining them... looking closely not at their bodies, but at their energy fields. Some were taken from the circle and brought before Ana, presumably to hear her counsel. Others the Arddu spoke to directly, mostly about darkness and fear, of which he said were his food, inviting the participants to release it into him so that he was "fed". During all of this he/I began to dance, although I couldn't for the life of me tell you exactly what it was like. I felt exaggerated movements and various degrees of energy, which culminated in him addressing the entire circle, inviting them to release their fears into him. I remember seeing and feeling dark, smoke-like tendrils of power emanating from the participants and into my body (at which point the part of me that was still me uneasily trusted that the Arddu knew what he was doing with all of that power). We then moved over to Ana, who lifted her veil and received all that power into her, first with a breath and then sealed with a kiss. (Which I'm sure will elicit even more speculation about my sexuality!) I then collapsed at her feet, and I think she then addressed the circle. We then moved outward while she spoke and eventually moved into a dance in which the participants were asked to "dance the dance of their own death". Part spiral dance, part ecstatic madness, I remember being in the center of the circle, underneath the black veil and dancing clockwise, looking outward to see the firelight broken by shadowy figures moving counter-clockwise around us. This eventually morphed into a foot stomping, high energy dance that merged into a cone of power which I assume was the moment in which all that pain and fear was released and transformed. I don't know, actually. I was only the co-pilot, and for the most part I was simply relaxing, my feet up on the dashboard,  just letting the Arddu do his thing. I have only done possession with him a few times before, and this was definitely the strongest that I have experienced. It was one of those times that either tells you that magic is real, or that you are quite insane. Or both. Yes... probably both.

Michele (mrj15) hosted the ancestor ritual on Sunday night, which was amazing. While she has a casual style, she really has a command of the room. We called the ancestors to come and join with us and my grandmother came to visit, as did Victor. I thought it might sound a bit cheesy, but I introduced them and my grandmother was very fascinated with whatever Victor was saying. (I later heard that Karina (loveandpower) had a similar experience, so it sort of validated it a bit for me.)

As Michele already reported, she and I upheld the tradition began at the last Feri Camp by staying up all night the final night. We laughed so hard we nearly choked. And we had some intense conversations... about Feri... politics... the world. When we started on Britney and Anna Nicole we knew we had gone to far. It was fun... but also a bit of a horrorshow. ;)

I met so many wonderful and caring witches at this camp, both student's and Initiates. Karina's students were powerful, intelligent, and responsible, definitely a credit to the Craft.

In retrospect, I see that everything was as it should be. My injury and my illness were lessons in my own power, but also in how my ego steps in the way of my work (i.e. My ego was bruised because, dammit, I'm supposed to be a powerful teacher and how can I embody that power when I'm hobbled and froggy?) Definitely Kala fodder. It was a good lesson for me.

In other news, I decided on a name for my particular line of Feri: BlueRose. It's both a tip of the hat to my Bloodrose-derived origins, while moving outward into the realm of my own trance experiences, in which I have seen the blue rose as my own Holy Daemon (God Self). The blue rose is the ever unfolding mystery; the holy grail which we strive ever toward, but is just out of reach. It feels very faery to me.

So I'm home now... rested... but still exhausted because I am sick. Happy to be home, but also hopeful that I will get to see everyone again soon. Point me in the direction of the next camp!

In case you missed it...

I just love her so much. I think I want Chas to make me a T-Shirt of this.

Seasons Change

Another aspect of BTW for me was bringing things up to the surface which had not been properly addressed.

It's funny, 'cause when you do the kind of work that I do it's easy to get lulled into a sense that you have already worked on all your stuff. Oh sure, I do my cleansing and my introspective work, but sometimes what you really need is a change of scenery to put it all into perspective. And if that scenery is a magically charged space, well... then expect the unexpected.

Those of you who know me socially, as well as those whom I met and saw at BTW, are probably familiar with the fact that I have been seeing/dating Philip (southernpm) (aka "the weekend boyfriend") for some time now. In fact, some of you might be more accustomed to seeing me with him than with my husband Chas (carnivalia) since the two of us rarely leave the house together due to his mother's care needs. Long story short, as Philip and I stepped into the space of BTW it really started to put a magnifying lens on those issues that we needed to look at, the result of which is that we have decided that we make much better friends than we do lovers.

While there is some level of sadness at losing (at least the idea of having) something more, I am really happy to be making the conscious transition into what feels like a much better place for us all. In terms of break-ups, it's one of the very best I've encountered, which is a testament to each of our commitments to honesty, communication, and above all compassion. I'm looking forward to exploring what it means to be his friend, without any of the pressure that had inadvertently built up over our time together. I think we'll make great friends. How do I know this? Because we already are.

I have some other thoughts about some things that occurred for me at BTW that I will likely post more privately soon, but for now I am happy to report that I made some really good connections there that I am truly grateful for.

More later.

Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy! (and appropriate meditational movements)

Happy Birthday to yezida!!! I hope it's a great one! We need to plan a trip to Death Guild so I can buy you a birthday drink!

Goodbye Esmeralda...

Alice Ghostley died yesterday. You may remember her from her character of "Esmeralda" on the TV show Bewitched.



I have such a soft-spot for the cast of that show, as they were my first exposure to witchcraft and were directly responsible for me pursuing that path. (When I was two years old I told my mother that I was going to be a witch, and I doubt that it had much to do with the Horned God and the Goddess of the moon at that age!)

Good bye, Alice! You will be missed!

Feri Camp Extended Deadline!

Crossposted to

Good news!  The registration deadline for the upcoming Massachusetts Feri Camp has been extended to September 28th! So if you still want to go, but were worried you couldn't register in time, now is your chance!

New England Feri Intensive
Exploring the Mysteries of Poetry, Madness & Death
With Anaar, Storm Faerywolf, Michele Jackson and Karina
October 4 - 8, 2007
Camp Nawaka, East Otis, MA

Join Feri students, practitioners, initiates and four teachers from distinct lines in the Berkshire Mountains of New England for four nights and five days of intensive classes, ritual, community and magic. We will open to the darker mysteries of Feri Tradition focusing intently on the Mighty Dead, Hoodoo, Psychic Opening and Protection, Danger & Delight, Bardic Circle, the Dark Deities and the turning of the Year Wheel. The Intensive will engage the Whole Self, using a variety of methods including song, poetry, guided meditation, dance, crafts and more.

Please visit http://www.blackheartferi.com/feriintensive.html for more information!

Memeage, it's the word!

I have mucho new people on my friend's list! Yay! But for friends new and old, in an effort to get to know you a bit better... why not take time out from your job and waste precious company time by mis-using their internet resources? C'mon... you know you want to.

Stolen shamelessly from queerpaganquill:

Answer in the comments, all comments will be screened.

1. Do you have a tattoo?
2. How old are you?
3. Are you single or taken?
4. Fish?
5. Do you dream in color?
6. Ever seen a corpse?
7. How about them hipsters?
8. How did we meet?
9. What's your philosophy on life and death?
10. If you could do anything with me, and have no one know, what would it be?
11. Do you trust the police?
12. Do you like musicals?
13. What is your fondest memory of me?
14. If you could change anything about yourself what would it be?
15. Would you cheat?
16. What are you wearing?
17. Have you ever peed in a pool?
18. Would you hide evidence for me if I asked you to?
19. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together?
20. Which do you prefer - short or long hair?
21. What's your favorite day of the week?
22. What's your favorite color?
23. If you could bring back anyone that has passed, who would it be?
24. Tell me one interesting/odd fact about you?
25. What was your first impression of me?
26. Have you ever done drugs?
27. If we were locked in an elevator together, what would you want to discuss?
28. What is your favorite meal to have when you're on date?
29. If there is any habit you have that you could change - what is it?

Happy Birthday!!!

It's time for us all to celebrate that glorious day when the world was gifted with lonespiritwolf2.

Happy Birthday, baby... I'm so glad I got to see you recently. I love you. :)

Back from Between the Worlds...

I arrived home safe and sound early Monday morning from my week of camping at Between the Worlds in Ohio. I'm still adjusting to "the real world" (whatever that means) but I wanted to take a moment to chronicle my feelings and experiences at the event.

I originally had some feelings of trepidation surrounding my attendance at the event. My experience with large groups of gay men (there were about 90 in attendance) have not exactly been all that kind; usually centered in places of addiction (i.e. bars) or basically focused on inflating some already over-inflated egos to the extent of coldness and cruelty to others. Perhaps I'm naive,  but I'm one of those people that feels that people should actually be nice to each other. Or, as carnivalia once put it, "You're one of those who actually believe what they taught you on Sesame Street, aren't you?"

My stress soon melted away as I arrived at the land: 625 acres of reclaimed land that as recent as 20 years ago had been decimated by strip mining. Today it is beautiful; paths and trees, and meadows... simply gorgeous, and a symbol of hope in a world that continues to exploit and destroy our natural places.

Whatever feelings of social anxiety I still had were alleviated as I met the individuals involved in the event; so caring and genuine. They put me at ease with their compassion, their laughter, and their fierce commitment to building a healthy intentional community. Never before have I experienced such a sense of profound love and acceptance, so much so that I was, at times, overwhelmed. My only other experiences with Pagan retreats have been the two Feri Camps that I have taught at, and one Feri Initiates gathering and while I found them all to be very powerful, transformative, and full of connection, it was BTW that spoke most directly to my heart and soul.  I have felt that certain individuals in the Feri community have been my "family". At this little temporary mystical village in Ohio, I felt a profound sense of familiarity even though I had not met most of them before; as if I were truly "coming home" to a family that I had not even known that I had forgotten.

One lesson that I learned was just how much of my power leaks away by living in a straight society. When I go to the grocery store, or walk down the street, I do not feel comfortable showing any level of affection for my husband or lovers unless I am in a queer specific place or a private setting amongst friends. It's an issue of safety, as I have been in situations in which I have been attacked and threatened for my sexuality. Until I got to BTW I had no idea how much of my attention and power is devoted to not showing public affection or being too "animated". It was an important lesson for me to experience, and I am working on incorporating this insight into my current practice.

There were a lot of inspirational experiences at this event. Between the workshops, rituals, intense conversations, and even a surprise heart-connection that swept me off my feet, I feel invigorated to take my practice in a new direction. Certainly one of the very first things I will be doing is returning to the book I have been writing about Witchcraft for Gay men.

I had an opportunity to teach a workshop ("The Amethyst Pentacle") which ended-up beginning with a little introduction to the Feri tradition. I received some good feedback and am honored and touched that so many people seemed to have gotten something positive out of it. The rest of the time I was simply attending other's workshops and basically "smoozing" which allowed me to meet and get to know some amazing people.

I had an opportunity to hang out with Christopher Penczak (torcboy) and his husband Steve Kenson (xomec). They are both really down-to-earth and talented people. (And very geekish, which of course is sexy to me.)  ;)

I also got to meet Doug and Joe from Otherworld Apothecary. They are both initiates in a branch of pre-Wiccan traditional witchcraft, and are ecologists to boot. I took their class on Land Based Craft which really opened up some stuff for me (and truth be told, kinda scared me a little, which to those of you who really know me will know that I then found it potent and cool!) I found their overall approach to be "very Feri" in places, or at least in what I was taught (as opposed to a lot of the public Feri stuff which has incorporated elements of Wicca and Ceremonial magick.) If you get a chance, go to their website. They not only have the finest quality traditional magical oil and herbal blends that I have found, but their bottles and labels are both beautiful and exquisite. Chas and I will be carrying as much of their products as we can after we take over Dolphin Dream in November.

The musical guest was Jeffrey Altergott, and if you are not familiar with his work then you owe it to yourself to check him out. His presence was soft, warm, and his talent is considerable. I didn't get much of a chance to speak with him, but I am hoping to remedy that next year. And I just saw that he friended me here on LiveJournal! Yay!

The keynote speaker was Sparky T. Rabbit. This was of particular importance to me, as it was his work with the Pagan band Lunacy that really paved the way for me to embrace a Queer Pagan path back when I was just a witchling. I made the point of letting him know, since I think it's very important to honor our elders, as they have provided the foundation for us to live and practice as we do.

There were so many more that made this event such a magical one and I would be hard-pressed to mention them all. Many thanks to lonespiritwolf2 and to technocowboy who have been trying to get me to this event for the past several years. I will indeed be going back and am already making my list of what offerings I'd like to present.

Now, I am getting ready for the next . I leave in two weeks for Massachusetts. I'm really looking forward to it. I even have a few new techniques to incorporate into my offerings there. It is promising to be a powerful event.

The next 500 days...

I love this man:

Too funny...

Maybe this is what happened to Larry Craig!

Clowns KKKick KKK ass!

Many thanks to dietrich for telling me about this:

Clowns Non-violently Disrupt KKK Rally in Knoxville

It's all about me! :)

Who else is love? pseudomonas me scripsit anno 2005

Oh my gay stars!

So with all the media bruhaha that has been going on lately concerning the Larry Craig scandal, one might have missed out a similar incident involving another anti-gay lawmaker, this time in Florida.

On July 11, Rep. Bob Allen (official website) was arrested in a restroom at a park in Titusville, Florida after soliciting an undercover male officer and offering to pay him $20 for oral sex. The thing that strikes me is not so much that we have yet another example of a conservative lawmaker who has made it a habit of attacking our people while engaging in secret homosexual activity (I mean, it's par for the course now for these conservative bastards, right?) but that the entire public should have seen this one coming. I mean, just take a look at his website and look under 'Recreational Interest'.

Hmmm... me thinks this one was not well thought out.

Good luck on your trial, Bob! Let's hope there'e not any restrooms on the way to the courthouse!

The Storm Report

So, lots of things have been happening over here. It was finally confirmed that our loan is going through, so Chas and I will be buying (the unfortunately named) Dolphin Dream in Walnut Creek, a brick-and-mortar metaphysical retail store that I used to manage years ago. It's a relatively successful store (est. 1989) and in a good location. We still have to jump through a bunch of hoops (meeting with the landlord, and signing contracts, and such) but we are hoping to take it over in the next couple of months. We do hope to make some changes to the store over the next few years, mostly in the area of decor, products (we will carry more Pagan items such as altar tools, specialty candles, and such), and also the general "vibe", grounding it a bit and making it somewhat more earthy. But we are committed to taking it slow, so as to not scare off too many of the current customers. We *are* planning on having some Feri people do some stuff there, though, and the classroom in the back is large enough so that I might teach some larger group classes, both Feri and non.

Speaking of Feri tradition: a few months ago, I am honored to report, I was passed the Black Wand in a rite with Cora Anderson at her home. It was arranged by my friend anaar (who I actually thought would be doing the actual passing... but when we did the rite it was mainly done by Cora, with Anaar & her husband Steve, Thorn Coyle, Michele Jackson & her husband, and my teacher Mitchell in attendance to support and witness.) It was a very simple and beautiful rite and I am more than grateful to receive this honor from so many talented witches. A couple weeks later I was passed the Black Wand again, this time by Feri priest Dominic (elemirion) who has different lore concerning the wand system. Having both traditional methods of the wands passed to me in this way I feel empowered to combine them together to make them both more accessible, and less hierarchical, than some have interpreted them in the past. I made a pact with Michele after the first rite that I would announce my wand in my bio for Feri Camp and so now that the event has been announced (and also that I have already told my own students about it) I thought I should mention it a bit more publicly, both to communicate my availability to fulfill that role, but also to give the community an opportunity to "keep me real", so to speak. I'm currently writing an article on the wands for this next issue of Witch Eye in which I talk about these two different traditional takes on the wand system, detailing the specifics of each of the three traditional wands, as well as introducing the possibility of several other wands as energetic symbols for additional schools of post-initiatory magical specialty. I'll let my article speak more about how I view the role and honor of the Black Wand, but for now suffice to say that I do not feel that holding it entitles me to any additional authority over any other Feri initiate. What it does bring me, quite simply, is additional responsibility toward the community.

And now coming back down to earth for a bit...

Last week we went to see Avenue Q at the Orpheum in San Francisco. It was a birthday present from Chas and I for Philipsouthernpm (AKA the "weekend boyfriend"). It totally rocked. I especially loved the song "Everyone's a Little Bit Racist". And the fact that one of the characters was Gary Coleman tickled me to no end.

This past weekend Philip and I went to Anaar's birthday party. It was much fun, although I had **way** too much to drink and paid for it the next day. (Philip makes a mean Pomegranate Martini, which incidentally I call a Persephone) and I stopped counting after 5. (Hey! I was there for about 8 hours! And I'm Irish. And I love me my vices.) I craved a cigarette at one point, but did not give in, even though there were several opportunities that presented themselves. I have it on good authority that I did not embarrass myself any, even though I barely remember leaving. I had a really good time. Thanks, Anaar, for inviting me. I hope I wasn't too loud or obnoxious! I do remember not being able to articulate myself as well as I would have liked toward the end. Ahh... alcohol. Good times.

I'm gearing up to go to Between the Worlds in a couple of weeks. I'm very excited. Philip and I will be going. I wish that Chas could go, but he needs to take care of his mom. Hopefully after we get the store we will have enough money to hire someone to take care of her for a day or two and then we can get away just the two of us. It's a hope, anyway...

We're still accepting registrations for the Feri Camp in October. If you are interested you should check it out ASAP! We need a few more so that we can have it at the preferred location. (It's happening no matter what, but the campground we had chosen as our preferred location is awesome! Help make it happen and sign up today!)

Well, that's all I got. Today was my day off and I spent it just wandering around the house, reading, napping, and getting some writing done. (I'm putting the finishing touches on my wand article, as well as a Feri self-dedication rite that Chas and I have penned together.) We also just watched the movie Al Franken: God Spoke, a documentary on one of my favorite left-wing comedians turned politicians. Now we just need Jon Stewart to run for something.

Wowzers...

From MoveOn.org:

Feri Camp: Mysteries of Poetry, Madness & Death

Crossposted to :

There are still spaces available for October's Feri Camp! Hurry! The window for discounted early registration is quickly running out!

Exploring the Mysteries of Poetry, Madness & Death
With Anaar, Storm Faerywolf, Michele and Karina

October 4 - 8, 2007
Camp Nawaka, East Otis, MA

Join Feri students, practitioners, initiates and four teachers from distinct lines in the Berkshire Mountains of New England for four nights and five days of intensive classes, ritual, community and magic. We will open to the darker mysteries of Feri Tradition focusing intently on the Mighty Dead, Hoodoo, Psychic Opening and Protection, Danger & Delight, Bardic Circle, the Dark Deities and the turning of the Year Wheel. The Intensive will engage the Whole Self, using a variety of methods including song, poetry, guided meditation, dance, crafts and more.

Registration
$300 before August 17, 2007 (hurry... time's running out!)
$315 until September 20th (Final deadline)

Main offerings include:

• The Death Mask with Anaar
• Walking the Bone Road: Necromancy in the Feri Tradition with Storm
• Word Magic and Poetic Madness with Karina
• Ancestor Collage with Michele
• Dia de los Muertos: Sugar Skulls with Anaar
• The Arddu: Trance Journey with the Lord of Death with Storm
• Danger & Delight: Power and Vulnerability in Feri Tradition with Karina
• Ancestor Govi with Anaar & Michele
• Foundations of Feri: Kala/Cleansing and The Iron Pentacle with Storm
• Setting a Spell with Karina
• Bone Mother: Journeys with Ana with Karina
• Tea-time with the Dead: Talkingboards and Spirit Communication with Storm
• The Mighty Dead with Anaar
• Hoodoo Graveyard Work with Michele
• Dispelling a Curse: Ancient and Modern Rites of Cleansing and Protection with Storm
• Evil Eye with Anaar
• Breath, Heart and Devotion with Karina

We will also have several events with everyone together, including:

Panel Discussion/Q & A
Bardic Circle. Bring your songs, stories and poetry!
Danse Macabre: A Ritual Masquerade
Ritual of the Mighty Dead Please bring 4.25" x 5.5" photocopied images of your Beloved Dead (these may or may not be your Blood Ancestors)

For more information and for registration, CLICK HERE

New England Feri Intensive

New England Feri Intensive:
Exploring the Mysteries of Poetry, Madness & Death
October 4-8, 2007
Camp Nawaka, East Otis, MA
With Anaar, Michele, Storm Faerywolf and Karina

Join Feri students, practitioners, initiates and four teachers from distinct lines in the Berkshire Mountains of New England for four nights and five days of intensive classes, ritual, community and magic. We will open to the darker mysteries of Feri Tradition focusing intently on the Mighty Dead, Hoodoo, Psychic Opening and Protection, Danger & Delight, Bardic Circle, the Dark Deities and the turning of the Year Wheel. The Intensive will engage the Whole Self, using a variety of methods including song, poetry, guided meditation, dance, crafts and more.

Registration

• $300 before August 17, 2007.
• $315 until September 20th (Deadline).
• Includes all workshops, meals and lodging.

Work-study/financial assistance may be available, dependent upon the generous contributions of registrants and other members of the Feri community.

For more information, please click here.

Join the New England Feri Intensive On-line Community

Stopping Hate Crimes...

http://www.hrcactioncenter.org/campaign/fighthate_video

Quiz

What color is your soul painted? Grey Your soul is painted the color grey, which embodies the characteristics of elegance, humility, respect, reverence, stability, subtlety, wisdom, strong emotions, balance, and cancellation. Grey falls under the element of Water, and symbolizes the moon, tide, ebb and flow. Click Here to Take This Quiz

Quizzes and Personality Tests

Happy Birthday Greetings...

Happy 792nd Birthday to Habeas Corpus!

Though you've been missing since October... I wish you well, wherever you are!

I'm in an art show!

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Black Heart Poem

I've been busily writing down all these exercises that have been dancing around in my brain for years now, as I am finally getting to a place with some of my students where I need to have them written down.

This is a portion of a Black Heart invocatory exercise that I recently wrote. Enjoy, or be reviled. Your choice. ;)

Black Heart Thrum
©2007 Storm Faerywolf

Black Heart
Primal Drum
Child’s song
Feral thrum
Passion’s kiss
Shining light
Wild bliss
Starlit night
Serpent’s skin
Second sight
Dark abyss
Shining bright
Black Heart
Pulsing free
Innocent!
Ecstasy!

New England Feri Camp

I am happy to announce that I will be participating in the following event:

Feri Intensive Camp
Exploring the Mysteries
of Poetry, Madness & Death
With Anaar, Storm Faerywolf, Michele and Karina

 

October 4 - 8, 2007
Camp Nawaka, East Otis, MA

Early Registration (before August 15) $300 per person
Late Registration (after August 15) $315 per person

Registration includes Intensive, Lodging and Meals.
Must be received via internet or mail no later than midnight September 19, 2007. No exceptions.

More information and registration available here (51K PDF).

We also created a LiveJournal Community for the Camp, , along with a MySpace Profile

A Circle Casting

I've recently been working on an alternative to the Bloodrose Feri circle that I was taught and so decided to incorporate this poem that I originally wrote back in 1998.  One of the verses borrows heavily (like three out of the four lines!) from a poem by Doreen Valiente, but it was just so perfect I couldn't help it. I have been revising this casting ever since I first wrote it, and just this past week added a new verse (so now there's seven... I love sevens), changed a couple of lines, and reordered it. Chas recently posted a previous version in his LJ when posting about the faery hounds. In the circle script I will pass on it is listed as an alternative to the (somewhat altered) Bloodrosian version that I received, and has a list of "stage directions" including different energetic instructions/visualizations for the participants to perform at different parts, but here is just the poetic invocation for your amusement. 

Invocation of the Circle
©1998-2007 Storm Faerywolf

By Forest dark and standing stone,
By rushing wind and life's first breath,
By flame that burns the flesh to bone,
By ancient sea, the land of death...

By the Mother and Her Son
Is the circle made and done
Descend the light of Moon and Sun
Our Holy Rite has now begun.

My blade has cast the circle round,
with razor's edge and bluest flame,
from earth to heavens, sky to ground,
the power comes that has no name.

We summon forth the faery hounds,
From Outer Darkness now draw near,
to prowl beyond the circle's bounds,
And put intruder's hearts in fear.

Between the worlds of flesh and Fae,
we touch the Source and form the weave,
a ward to keep the worlds at bay,
that none may enter; none may leave.

This holy ground now lies between
The realm of Gods and mortal men,
By human eye cannot be seen
the faery sight alive within.

As above and so below,
enveloped in a cobalt flame,
the stars that shine, the stones that know,
within we speak Her sacred name.

Our newest family member...

Everyone please welcome the newest member of our little family...  We've decided to call her 'Shaylee'. She's a 3 month old Labrador/Pit Bull mix. We rescued her from the pound and she came home to us today. She's a real love.



I think I'm in love.

Witch Eye #15: Call for Submissions

I think it can be agreed by all of us that Feri witches are a creative, opinionated bunch. So you'd think that we'd have *hundreds* of submissions for the next Witch Eye, right?

Well... we have a few... but it's not coming together yet, so here's what we want you to do...

Send us something. A ritual. A review. A piece of art. A story. Humor! Send us your really cool experience in trance that you feel like sharing... tell us what the Gods are inspiring in you. We're still interested in cool poetry, but keep in mind that we get mostly poetry as it is. But an essay... an article... a well mannered rant... Bring 'em on! Whatever little Feri thing you'd like to address, do it and send it in!

Or... if you just can't think of where to start, how about pondering some of these?

• The Mighty Dead: Ancestral Reverence and Practice in Feri Magic
• Love and the Craft: How has Feri impacted your relationships?
• The Dangers of Feri. What exactly are they? And why does it sound so cool?
• Art & Feri. Has Feri impacted your creative life? Are you dancing more? Making music? Are you suddenly creating art for the first time? Tell us!
• You may have aligned your Three Souls, but you still can't use the car-pool lane.
• Initiation. What it is. What it isn't. And why you may never need one. Or want one.
• Dreams... We've collected dreams from folks that involve the late Victor Anderson. Do you have one?
• Cursing. C'mon... you know you want to.
• Ethics. Lost teachings of the tradition found!
• Seeking the Black Heart. Exercises and Stories on the search for Feri's Holy Grail
• Outside Looking In: Feri from a non-Feri Perspective
• Witch Eye: The Swimsuit Issue. Send us your pictures! No, I'm not kidding...
• The Divine Twins. Cornerstone of the Feri mythos and I still can't tell them apart.
• Kala and the Pearl Pentacle: Is the community doing enough?
• Classroom vs. the Coven, or why you are wrong to practice as you do

Our next theme, if we have one, will depend on what I get a lot of. But I love diversity, so send us whatever you want to write about! You can do it. We want material from all aspects of the Feri community: initiates, teachers, students, practitioners, and even educated seekers. You have over three months. Deadline isn't until September 1st! No excuses! Flex those Pride points!

Guidelines can be found here: http://www.feritradition.org/witcheye/submissions.htm
Send all submissions and questions to: witcheye@feritradition.org

A Poem... a Spell... a Teaching... a Prayer

The Sacred Fire
©2007 Storm Faerywolf

Like a fire so it shines
Bright against the empty dark
Dividing into perfect two
And with light, so then color
A splendid texture rich with hue.

This flame it burns against the cold
Against the snapping madness of the unknown
It warms the blood and stills the mind
And calls the trance upon our kind.

A dance... around the fire
Sweat slick thick upon my skin
I take a torch and place it in.

Taking fire from the gods
I hold aloft the sacred flame
A lantern in the velvet night
And so I learn the ancient dark terrain.

Triple Will my compass true
My life a vessel for Your power
Descend with heart of coal aflame
And let me come to know this flower.

High above it blooms so bright
Like a beacon in the night
To hold at bay all shade and fright
And grant the power of the sight.

Beyond the Outer Darkness comes,
the wraith, like curled gray smoke appears
into the mirror of midnight
I scry what lies beyond our fears.

And now I dance again around
This growing fire of which we tend
That seeds a hundred little flames
As next they come with torch in hand.

And soon one day they dance away,
With lanterns set against the night
To carry then their precious flame
To share their sacred light.

And though they’ve come, and though they’ve gone
A hundred times upon and more
And though they’ve lit their darkened homes
Still we tend this sacred fire.

Wash once, rinse twice...

This is a very filtered post, only for Feri initiates, and certainly not all of them.

I just had the weirdest interaction with another Feri student/practitioner. He asked me to not "go public" with it, but dude... this is just too weird to pass up.

Last night on the Witch Eye list a certain someone who has been espousing the Tribal/Family model of Feri cryptically posted that someone very close to me was an example of someone not right for the tradition being officially a part of it. I racked my brains... Could they be talking about a student of mine? We were talking about charging money for classes, and the like, and I had mentioned having to let some students go because of their lack of work. Certainly I have a couple of students who I am currently "on the fence" about and waiting to see if I will let them go, or not, but I couldn't figure out who and so I asked them privately.

Well, I got the response today and it was... (drum roll, please)...  Chas! Apparently because Chas doesn't automatically equate the Feri priesthood with a family that means (according to this person) that Chas' initiation didn't "take". Jesus fucking Christ on a pogo-stick! I laughed out loud!

Chas is very reserved about whom he shares his most intimate insights on Feri with, so I can understand that this person might have no clue as to what Chas is really about... but it's extra weird because this person has never met Chas... And a little weirder because this person is not an initiate, although his wife is, but that's a whole other story.

I just shake my head. I know that Chas is a powerful Feri witch who has an amazing grasp of the Gods who speak to him directly. It's just weird to have my husband maligned in such a way, and then to hear that there's an entire group that apparently holds this idea to be true as well. **EDIT: In a suprising positive development I am now told that his group told him he was off base with his accusation. That's good news, right? ;)

I'm off to make Kala... not because I'm angry (I was briefly, but that moved through me) but more because I am sad; sad that this person's view of Feri is so limited that other ways of practicing/believing seem to threaten their practice, and that as such it translates into judgment, a distraction from the larger Work, I feel.

Instead of washing once, or twice, or even rinsing at all, I sometimes feel I'd rather just hold their heads under the water.

More Kala! :)

Back from Camp...

I've been back from teaching at Feri Camp for a few days now. It's taken me awhile to get back into the routine of my daily life, and thankfully Chas has been very supportive in that area. I've actually gotten a lot of work done since I returned, but I have also had a lot of my attention on all things Feri, making plans, talking to friends, and contemplating what I think is a very healthy future for the tradition.

Camp this year was an incredible experience. I was impressed by the level of sincere commitment to this path, and by the fierce openheartedness of the participants. A lot of energy was raised, and when that happens our complexes tend to arise into view. The result was a lot of cleansing work, and whole lot of sharing... of joy, of pain, of fear, and of laughter. I felt truly blessed to have the opportunity to be in such an environment where we could come together as friends, as lovers, as family, to face both our beauty and our darkness, seeing both as holy.

I learned a lot during this trip. From the beginning I felt that this was about claiming more fully my own power, and I walk away feeling powerful; alive, charged, and changed. More of who I already am. A tremendous amount of energy was raised during our few days there, through trance... through ritual... through drumming... through dance... A common theme being the quest for the Black Heart that really did shine brightly in the eyes and smiles of those present. We did serious work! But also did we laugh... sometimes to the point of tears; the kind of laughter that hurts your cheeks and your belly and reminds you just how wonderful it is to be alive. That we were able to share that, and so much more with each other, is a blessing into itself.

I led some trance work with the Guardians, which always leaves me buzzing, but it was my session with the Amethyst Pentacle that really surprised me. When Chas and I wrote it back in '02 we knew that it was powerful, but going into trance with it and running its power with the participants at camp was nothing short of astounding. I was impressed by the willingness of those present to look into the face of their own pain and --still feeling it-- claim back their power from its clutches. Certainly this is work that will need to be done repeatedly, but that first step is most often the most frightful and that so many looked into that dark mirror of the self and met its gaze so evenly, is an inspiring sight to behold. All this along with reverence, determination, and laughter made the atmosphere both casual and relaxing, as well as focused and filled with deep purpose. As I said in another forum, if this is the future of Feri, then it is something that we can all be proud of. I know I certainly am.

I am also proud to have worked with so many fabulous teachers. This was my first time working with Karina of the BlackHeart line, and it was a tremendously satisfying experience. She really knows her stuff, and has a great command of the Faery current. I am proud to call her a sister of the Craft. Anaar I worked with last year, but it was this year that showed me another facet of her own commitment to the Gods; her connection to them is deep, real, and above all, personal. You show me a Witch who can yell in anger at the Goddess, and I'll show you one who walks the walk. And finally Michele. Her attention is like a surgical instrument, cutting right to the heart of the matter. She doesn't waste time with her words, but lest you might think her harsh because of it let me tell you she is one of the kindest people I know. And one of the funniest. That final night there she and I stayed up all night long just talking about life, about Feri, and just telling each other silly stories. We finally had to leave to try and let Anaar and Karina sleep. We paid for it that final day... in the form of dropped shields and no filters at all... but it was worth it. I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

Now I am home and my life is shifting. People are contacting me and asking if I might travel to their area to teach. It comes at a good time because it is something that I have contemplated for awhile, so I find myself looking into how it might work both in terms of finances, but also in terms of energy; my time here at home is important, as Chas needs to take care of his mom when I am away. But he is also very supportive of me following my bliss, so it looks like I will be traveling at least some in the future. It's a great feeling: to be exactly where you are supposed to be.

With that in mind I shall end this with a blessing to all of you reading this: May you find yourself exactly where you need to be. And may you have the presence of mind to recognize it.

Getting ready...

First off... Happy Birthday to my beautiful Chas! I love you more and more each day... you are the love of my life and I feel nothing short of divinely fortunate to call you my husband.

Tomorrow morning I leave for Feri Camp where I will be teaching about the Feri Guardians, as well as giving some other workshops including one on the Amethyst Pentacle. I've spent today making sure that I am all packed and prepped. There's been so much to do! I just barely was able to get my luggage stuffed and weighed and I'm just under the restricted weight limit. (I'll be selling some books and such there and have to schlep them there myself, so I've been packing, and arranging, and taking inventory, blah, blah, blah.) I'm exhausted, but if it's half as good as last year then it will all be worth it.

I wont have cell phone coverage or access to the internet while I am there (gasp! sputter!) but I am looking forward to my time "off the grid" so to speak. It really is beautiful land there. I promise to come home with pictures.

Wish me luck...

Quiz Stuff

If you want, go here to take a short quiz to decide if my Golden Compass Daemon is correct for me, or not:

http://www.goldencompassmovie.com/?37451

Initially I got a Lion. (Actually, the first time I took it, I got a Crow, but I thought I answered something wrong so I went back and took it again.) I have 12 days before is becomes permanent, so check it out soon! :)

258-year-old gay rights text documented

The lost book Ancient and Modern Pederasty Investigated and Exemplified was written in 1749 by Thomas Cannon, and was partially preserved in handwritten court documents used to suppress its publication.

"This must be the first substantial treatment of homosexuality ever in English," says Dr Hal Gladfelder, who discovered the references in a box of uncatalogued legal documents from the time.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/po/20070425/co_po/258yearoldgayrightstextdocumented

Take that! :)

I love these...

From Free Will Astrology: 

Pisces Horoscope for week of March 29, 2007

Henry Rollins Love Letter to Ann Coulter

Shamlessly stolen from the journal of

suedeheadspike

:

(If you watch this at work be careful of the F-bomb.)  ;)

The Wisdom of Carl Sagan

Yanked from http://www.smart-kit.com/s225/:

If you look carefully at the NASA photo below, you will see a little white dot. This minute speck is Earth seen from the Voyager 1 spacecraft as it exits the solar system, nearly 4 billion miles away. The photo was taken back in 1990.



Look again at that dot. That’s here. That’s home. That’s us. On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every “superstar,” every “supreme leader,” every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there–on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam.

The Earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena. Think of the rivers of blood spilled by all those generals and emperors so that, in glory and triumph, they could become the momentary masters of a fraction of a dot. Think of the endless cruelties visited by the inhabitants of one corner of this pixel on the scarcely distinguishable inhabitants of some other corner, how frequent their misunderstandings, how eager they are to kill one another, how fervent their hatreds.

Our posturings, our imagined self-importance, the delusion that we have some privileged position in the Universe, are challenged by this point of pale light. Our planet is a lonely speck in the great enveloping cosmic dark. In our obscurity, in all this vastness, there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves.

The Earth is the only world known so far to harbor life. There is nowhere else, at least in the near future, to which our species could migrate. Visit, yes. Settle, not yet. Like it or not, for the moment the Earth is where we make our stand.

It has been said that astronomy is a humbling and character-building experience. There is perhaps no better demonstration of the folly of human conceits than this distant image of our tiny world. To me, it underscores our responsibility to deal more kindly with one another, and to preserve and cherish the pale blue dot, the only home we’ve ever known.

– Carl Sagan, Pale Blue Dot, 1994

Witch Eye Auctions on eBay to help Cora Anderson!

OK... I have posted this practically everywhere, and so I apologize to those of you who have seen this a bunch already.

Happy Spring Equinox, everyone! To help celebrate this astrological event we are now offering a rare opportunity to get your hands on the first three issues of Witch Eye, now out-of-print, via auctions on eBay!

Each are in brand new condition. Starting bids are $20 each, and all proceeds will go to the care of Cora Anderson. You get to complete your collection while at the same time you will be helping out our Feri Grandmother with her in-home care.

For more information about each issue, please visit their individual eBay listings:

Witch Eye #1
Witch Eye #2
Witch Eye #3

Or, you can go to our eBay store at: http://stores.ebay.com/Carnivalia to see our other items for sale.

These were recently found in a box of original Witch Eye materials that Max gave me when she turned the magazine over to me back in 2003. These are the final copies of these out of print issues, so once they're gone... they're gone.

For more information about Cora, as well as updates and information on how you can contribute to her in-home care, visit:
http://community.livejournal.com/victor_cora/

If anyone has any questions please let me know! Happy bidding!

Practicing safe Blue God...

I was alerted to this by a good friend of mine. It appears in the current (March 07) issue of Instinct magazine.

Witch Eye #14

Crossposted to  and

Well, it's finally here! Our brand new format!

We've been working hard to improve the quality of our zine and decided to finally take the plunge into actual magazine-dom. With a new format of 8.5"x11", 48 interior BW pages and full color/full-bleed covers, we are happy to unveil...

Witch Eye: A Journal of Feri Uprising
#14: The Guardians of Feri
$8 ea.
plus 50 cents per copy shipping in the U.S.
CA residents please add 7.25% sales tax
(Non-U.S. residents please contact us for shipping rates to your country.)


Click image for more info
In this issue:
The Guardians of Vanthi Coven

Tying It All Together

A Personal Sharing:
Come Home to the Faerie Queen

13 Magical Secrets

The Lords of the Outer Dark

Giving Thanks to Fire-In-The-Earth

and much more!
For a full list of contents click HERE.

One of the many reasons I love my husband.

Next week Chas (carnivalia) and I will celebrate our 14th anniversary. On this day of romance and chocolates I found myself going through old papers a bit while he was at work and I found a little note that he left me from perhaps a year or two ago. It was left for me on some occasion in which he was not here in the morning and I had to get his mom up and showered and fed. As I made my bleary-eyed way to our beverage bar that morning to make (the much-needed) coffee (without which I am a very cranky person but that is nothing compared to the passive aggressive nasty attitude that emanates from his mother under such circumstances) I was greeting by this little blue note that made me smile. I share it with you all so that you can have some idea of the quirky sense of humor that he has, which is one of the many reasons why 14 years doesn't feel like it has been even half that long.



And so I took his advice and made her a Frothé (an instant mix which had been sitting in the back of our cupboard for awhile just waiting for an instance like this) and everything was fine.

I love you, sweetheart.

My First CD

Silly me... I never put this on my website!



Pagan Meditation Series:
Grounding: Becoming the Tree of Life (CD)
Written and read
by Storm Faerywolf
Running time: 20:30

OK... I feel better now. ;)

Happy Valentine's Day!

From my friend Peter Grahame at Ironic Horse Studio:

What I got for Solstice...

OK... Sex filter post #1! (Yay!)

It's a bit late, but look what I got for Solstice! Well... actually, I got this a long time before solstice (like a year or so before) but I didn't have any of the hardware to set-it up until southernpm bought all the "stuff" and installed it for us, the price for doing so, of course, was a chance to be able to help break it in... which I happily (and piggishly) agreed to. :)



Getting the sling originally was part fetish and part joke; I have always wanted one (don't look at me like that!) but they were always so expensive... I had asked my husband carnivalia for one for my birthday one year and he jokingly told me that he might get me a used one on eBay. I had never thought of that... so I checked eBay myself and got this one for under $50. (Yes... I made sure it was cleaned before I used it!)  ;)

Let me just say that I love it. It's hanging in our temple-room which makes it a place better suited for worshiping the kind of Gods that really interest me. ;) And it's really easy to take down when I need the temple for more "conventional" use. I'm thinking, though, that I shall paint the temple black to give it that really satanic/sex dungeon feel, which will be great for fucking, and great for meditating in the "normal" way, too. But I don't think Chas is really on board with that yet, so I will need to work on him some more.

I'm also thinking that I should write more sex magick rituals now... and of course, practice, practice, practice! 

No more star-spangled Joss

Joss Whedon has been let go from the Wonder Woman movie project. Today I drown my sorrows in drink. :(

Sex filter?

So, I've been meaning to put together a sex filter here for some time and am just now getting around to it. Right now, if you are able to read this that means that you are already on my filter! Everyone that I have chosen so far is a gay man just because I'm more comfortable with that. (Which of course means that if you are reading this and you are NOT a gay man, then I have mistakenly added you, but if you still want to read about how much dick I sucked or whatnot then more power to you.) With that in mind it's very important that if you do NOT wish to be on this filter that you let me know right away. Just post a comment to this post to let me know either way... all comments to this entry will be screened to protect everyone's privacy. :)

For those of you that opt to stay in this filter you should be aware that I may post things here that are NSW (Not Safe for Work) and/or just general descriptive entries about my sex life. Again, if you do not want to be here then let me know and I will happily remove you from the filter. I don't want to be accused of cramming my sex-life down anyone's throat, unless of course you are into that sort of thing. ;)

I'm turning Japanese!

My japanese name is 藤原 Fujiwara (wisteria fields) 聖人 Masato (sacred person).
Take your real japanese name generator! today!
Created with Rum and Monkey's Name Generator Generator.

I love this man...

Wow! I found this from a post in

elorie

's journal. I'm re-posting it here because... well... just watch it.

F***ing kick-ass, man!

Wii would like to play...

I've been having some good fun with my Wii lately. (That sounded dirty, but oh, well...)

I just found my Wii number! It's 0083 5431 6725 8535. If you have a Wii, friend me! Yay!

Random useless picture of the day...

Who's your favorite superhero?

This tickles me on so many levels:



I especially like how Canada has been subsumed into the United States and how God is deflecting bullets with his Wonder Woman-like bracelets. Go God!

Geek power!

But of course Global Warming is just a myth, right?

Umm... did anybody lose an island?

http://americablog.blogspot.com/2006/12/inhabited-tropical-island-disappears.html

F*&%ing scary, peeps. Let's all unplug our cell phone chargers when not in use, k?

Winter, and Bunnies, and Bells! Oh, my!

Some Xmas cuteness for you to enjoy!

http://www.ferryhalim.com/orisinal/g3/bells.htm

The Dark Heart of Christmas

I guess it's all about compromise... and I should learn to endure it with grace... but I am currently being subjected to the (tell me there's not more than one!) Kenny G Christmas album.

Pray for me. Pray for my family.

OK... I just had to...

I did two of these... so they're behind a cut.

Peace on earth and mercy mild,
God and Faerywolf reconciled.

Hark The Herald Angels Sing
from the Christmas Song Generator.

Get your own song :

Frosty the Snowman was a jolly happy soul,
With a corncob pipe and a button nose,
and two eyes made out of Storm.

Frosty the Snowman
from the Christmas Song Generator.

Get your own song :

The funniest thing I've seen all week...

I don't even know how I found this, but it made me laugh.


Out loud, even. :)

Huza, wha-- ?? ;)

On the twelfth day of Christmas, faerywolf sent to me...

Twelve superheroes drumming

Eleven wolves piping

Ten blowjobs a-reading

Nine angels publishing

Eight politics a-kissing

Seven tattoos a-writing

Six friends a-cuddling

Five le-e-e-emniscate gods

Four three souls

Three horned gods

Two melek taus

...and a shamanism in a homosexuality.

Get your own Twelve Days:

What??? Another meme?

Stolen from the journal of haphazzard:
1. Ever punch someone in the face?

2. How old are you?

3. Are you single or taken?

4. Eat with your hands or utensils?

5. Do you dream at night?

6. Ever seen a corpse?

7. Have you ever wished someone dead?

8. Do you like Bush?

9. Whats your philosophy on life? and death?

10. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about you:

11. Do you trust the police?

12. Do you like country music?

13. Do you think I'm attractive?

14. If you could change anything about yourself would you?

15. Batman or Superman?

16. What do you wear to sleep?

17. Have you ever peed in a pool? while you were still in it?

18. Would you hide evidence for me if I asked you to?

19. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together?

20. Will you post this so I can fill it out for you?

This week in Storm

This is kind of long, so I put it behind a cut...

"The Best/Worst Thanksgiving ever"...

The stress started a little over a month ago when Patt (Chas' mother) told me that she wouldn't be joining us for Thanksgiving at my mother's house this year. Under normal circumstances this would be fine, but our circumstances are far from normal: Patt is in constant need of care and supervision having been mentally and physically disabled almost four years ago by both a series of brain surgeries that sought to treat a previously undetected birth defect, along with Parkinson's disease, and a degenerative spine condition. She is often confused, cannot walk on her own, and requires assistance for almost every act of living, save perhaps eating. When I explained to her that not only would it be a fun time, and that since Chas and I both really wanted to go she would need to go with us, she simply refused saying that she would be fine on her own. Of course, that's her dementia talking... she needs someone to walk with her, to bathe her, and to change her diapers, so it's safe to say that she would not be fine on her own. But she just doesns't understand that. It's really only been this year that she stopped asking when she was going home. ("You are home... you live here now. See? All of your things are here.") ("But I don't stay here. When do we leave?")

A lesson that I learned in all of this was that you cannot reason with someone who has dementia. Actually I thought I had learned this a long time ago; I've been caring for her consistently for almost 4 years now, but this time it just sort of crept up on me and caught me off guard. My default stance with people is to communicate and reason, and so it is very difficult to be in a situation in which that modality is not effective; it seems to go against everything in my nature. Like switching seats on the Titanic, it's really just futile.

So we decided to simply change the subject and avoid taking it up again. The bottom line is that we all needed to go... I wasn't fond of the idea of leaving Chas behind on Thanksgiving to care for her while I went to see my family an hour away... especially since Chas really wanted to go, too... but there is no one else to care for Patt, and we have no money to hire someone to come and sit with her. So Thanksgiving morning came and Chas got her showered and dressed and she began telling us how she was not going with us and Chas protested a little but then decided to not fight with her. We just got our stuff together, loaded up the car, and then put her into the car, ignoring her protests.

See, here's the thing: she will often protest leaving the house no matter what we are doing... taking her to lunch... to a doctor's appointment... to see her family... even if she has previously asked to go, when the time comes she protests and gets nasty. It's just what she does, so I'm used to (politely) ignoring that part of her behavior. After all, it's not her fault... her brain is broken.

After an hour and a half, we get to my mom's house and suddenly Patt is so very happy to be there. "How lovely everything looks!", she says. "We're going to have a wonderful time!"

My mom's house was beautiful, all decked out in holiday swag. The table is set with her finest china, and the scent of roasting turkey is in the air. My mom herself wasn't there, having gone out to pick up my sister at the airport, so we waited and had snacks while we watched TV.

My friend David arrived, and then soon my mother and sister did too and we began the first of several courses, each paired with a particular wine that my mother had found during one of her winery trips. Patt refused to eat, however, and I wondered if her change of heart had been short lived. Soon we realized, however, that her stomach had begun bothering her, and when we sat down to eat the main course, he asked to lie down. We made her a bed on my mother's couch, and were already feeling bad about the situation, but as soon as we sat back down to eat, she began to get sick. I felt bad for her... and for Chas who insisted on single-handedly cleaning her up and caring for her while the rest of us finished our meals. At one point Patt berated Chas saying "I told you I didn't want to come!" and of course this was within earshot of my mother.

Now, had she expressed a stomach ailment (or any other ailment for that matter) before we came then of course we would not had brought her. But her protests had come a month earlier and had more to do with her trying to express the very last power that she has in life: to be contrary. Eventually Chas got her all cleaned up, and we reheated his meal so that he could enjoy it as best he could and after pie we said our goodbyes and left, exhausted. We got home, Chas put her to bed, and then we talked about what happened as Chas tried to decompress. We came to the conclusion that we simply cannot take her out with us, unless it's to a nearby public place (such as a restaurant, or movie theater) as at least they will have handicap accessible restrooms, and we can get home quickly, if need be. My mother was not too happy when I later told her that we wouldn't be able to bring her over to her house anymore when she realized that it also meant that WE wouldn't be coming for holidays. My mom really likes to entertain in her house, which is understandable, but she really fought with me and insisted that next time we hire someone to watch Patt so that Chas and I could come and spend the holiday at her place. I'm assuming that she was just being emotional and that she really wouldn't expect us to abandon the woman on a major holiday... I sort of think there's a special place in Hell for people who would do such a thing, but I guess I'll find out for sure next year. There's absolutely no way that I would even consider doing that. I can't think of many more depressing things than leaving a helpless old woman alone with a stranger on a holiday, especially when it's perfectly easy to have the holidays at my place. Our house is huge, and my mom's is quite small. We have handrails on Patt's bathroom, and all her stuff is here if she has trouble. It just makes sense to have it here... especially since my mom has already told me that all Christmases from now on will be at my brother's house in Nevada (since he had kids) and that means I no longer get Christmas with my family, both since I can't afford to leave here, and because my brother has some unexplained issues with me that I can only assume are related to me being gay. So I should get one of the holidays, right? Again, I guess we'll find out next year if she'll understand, but either way we will have a big holiday party. Maybe more than one. So, there.

But, as always, there is a silver lining to this otherwise depressing cloud. Chas and I have recommitted to going out at night after his mom has gone to bed, which means that we will once again be making it out to a club every now and again. We did that for awhile, but stopped, because Chas was uncomfortable leaving the house with no one here with his sleeping mother, but now since we realize we can't even go out with her, we need to do this or else we will spend the rest of her life trapped in this house. So I am looking forward to this being a good step for our marriage. We need a break.... if only for a few hours.

Afterward...

In other news, some friends and I went to see Kathy Griffin live at the Warfield on the 24th. I laughed my ass off. Well, OK... actually I still am in full possession of my ass (one of my better qualities, I am told) but did suffer from acute cheek-ache the next day from the ordeal. She is so causticly hilarious. Highlights included comment on the Foley scandal ("Delicious", she said) and clearing up the confusion as to whether or not Paris Hilton is actually as dumb as she appears ("She's Corky from "Life Goes on", retarded!") plus lots of descriptions of her encounters with various celebs, including a meeting with former President Bill Clinton at an event for California governor hopeful Phil Angelides while she was wearing a "silver whore dress". She says she probably scared the shit out of him with her crazy awe-struck babbling as a result of having just bombed while telling jokes based on some remarks that Ann Coulter made about Clinton being gay. Too marvelous.

And then later...

On Saturday, my mother and sister came over and we went out to lunch. My mom was depressed at just having been told about our inability to spend holidays at her place in the future and so we needed some time to go out and have fun. By the end of the lunch all were in high spirits (not the least of which was due to some Towering Iced Teas and Pomegranate Margaritas) and when we returned to my place we got to work scanning a children's book that my sister made for our niece, Leah, in which she took old snapshots and pieced them together in a story about Leah finding the perfect place to plant her own tree:



We spend a good amount of time scanning, and then printing a copy for my mom, who also (at the last minute) brought some family photos of her own for me to scan and arrange so that she could have a collage to give for a Christmas present. After all this we spent some time burning CD's, enjoying some gingerbread cake and some really good port. Mmmm... port. It was a nice time, and they didn't leave until 1am! But that's my family for ya... we like to party until we can't stay awake anymore.

Epilogue...

During all of this the business has been slowly growing... I'm still working on my next wave of meditation CDs, as well as some writing projects. Things have been more creative in this house since our house guest left early this month... I guess we just have more emotional space in which to work. My spiritual practice has been improved since then, as well. These things tell me that we are now on the right path for our lives... but still, at times, the house seems empty with just us. After Patt goes to bed Chas and I usually retreat into our creative spheres and the house is filled with silence. But this will also change... I'm looking forward to going out more and playing.

The Circle is now Complete...

I'm just now getting around to finishing up with this. This is a follow-up to my previous long emo post of earlier this month. 

He and I have talked a bit since all this and I'm still unsure as to where his head is at... He actually texted me (4 days after he left) to tell me that he now hates me, but then took it back about a week and a half later. Now he just seems to think that his actions, while unfortunate, were nothing extreme or anything that he needs to take responsibility for. I let him know that I deserve an apology and that in MY world relationships demand honesty and communication or else they are meaningless. He felt that he told me about his decision quick enough by "his standards"... I told him that I didn't share that view and that Chas and I should have heard about it BEFORE he even came to a decision, because when you are in a relationship with someone, then you are all a part of the process together. Apparently this is a foreign concept to him. WTF?!?

I honestly hope that his life is a good one, and one that is preferably lived far, far away from me. No... I'm actually not bitter. I'm just done. Maybe if he takes responsibility then we can at least be friendly (I won't close the door on that possibility... I believe that people can change) but I'm not holding my breath. ;)

Thanks to all who offered me support when I needed it. Much love and hugs to all.

Life is actually pretty damned good right now...

MasterCard

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pzA93-N5uAs

OK fine... :)

You are The Magician

Skill, wisdom, adaptation. Craft, cunning, depending on dignity.

Eloquent and charismatic both verbally and in writing,
you are clever, witty, inventive and persuasive.

The Magician is the male power of creation, creation by willpower and desire. In that ancient sense, it is the ability to make things so just by speaking them aloud. Reflecting this is the fact that the Magician is represented by Mercury. He represents the gift of tongues, a smooth talker, a salesman. Also clever with the slight of hand and a medicine man - either a real doctor or someone trying to sell you snake oil.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Breaking up is apparently very easy to do...

This is one of those detailed, emotional "breaking-up" posts... so I've hidden it behind a cut to save those of you who aren't into bitching. :)


First some background. A little over 5 years ago, I met this really sweet guy (name withheld to protect the guilty) on the internet. We chatted about Paganism and I gave him a link to my website. We later met and there was definitely a connection, and so soon afterward we started dating. Chas was brought into it a bit later and a little after that the new guy's husband was brought in as well. It was a great summer... full of passion and connection. Unfortunately the factory that they both worked at was already in the process of closing down and they had already made plans to move to Minneapolis to go to school. So we ended our relationship as they moved away... but we kept in touch.

Over the years this guy would tell me how much he wanted to move back to California... how his heart was here... and how he missed that time spent with Chas and I. This eventually gave way to him telling me that his relationship was unfulfilling, and how he suspected his partner of cheating, but they (in true WASP fashion) would never actually talk about it. Eventually he and his husband would meet someone else and open their relationship into a triad. I was a bit jealous when I heard, but was glad that he seemed happy.

But it was definitely short-lived. I later heard that he and his husband were planning to move back to CA but that they had opted not to tell their third because they were afraid that he would try to talk them out of it! I was put off by it, and told him so, but then plans dissolved and they all seemed to be happy once more so I forgot about it.

Not long after I was hearing again how unhappy he was... how he couldn't get motivated to finish school... how he wasn't happy in his relationships, and again how he longed to return to California. Chas and I offered him our place so that he might find it easier to return since it seemed apparent to us that the reason that he was so unhappy was that he was trapped in an unhealthy, uncommunicative relationship. After awhile, though I figured it wasn't going to happen any time soon, and that he needed to find his own process. I would continue to get reports from him and eventually heard that his husband had moved out of state to pursue his career, leaving him and the third in Minneapolis. Again I started hearing that he wanted to move to CA, and a few months ago he asked if the offer was still open to come and stay with us. Of course it was; I have held a torch for him for the past several years and welcomed a chance to help him out, especially if it meant that I could see him again. In August he arrived with the idea that he was going to figure out his life, get a job, and find a place to live. The official story was that he was going to find an apartment and then his husband would move out to CA to be with him, but I soon started hearing how their relationship was basically over and that he needed to figure out what he wanted to do. He had until the end of the year to figure it out, during which time he would look for a job in his field (tech writing) but said that he would take anything in the meantime.

He soon started telling us that he wanted to move in here permanently, and that he still loved us and wanted to build a life with us. He told us that he was in the grieving process for his other relationships and that they were over, but that he just needed to find a way to talk to them about it. We knew that this needed to happen before we progressed with anything with him and so were in a space to give him as much time as he needed.

Later he and I would go to a party and met this really nice guy named Steve. He and Steve clicked and over the next couple of weeks they started having a phone relationship. I asked him if he wanted to date this new person, and he told me no, that he just wanted more friends in the area. Later I found this was not true. I asked him what he wanted. He said that he just got out of a relationship and so he needed to be free to do what he wanted to. We understood. Then he told us that he really wanted to be in a relationship with us, and had for the past five years, but needed time to work everything out. Perfectly understandable. After a long talk in which boundaries were discussed it was agreed that we could pursue a triad between us AND he could date outside it IF the three of us were happy and fulfilled first. It was a big talk in which we all shared our feelings. At the end he told me that he wasn't used to talking about his feelings like that and it felt really good. I was happy.

The next day was his day off, so he wanted to go out and see this guy. Chas and I agreed and then said that because it was so new it would be nice if he would join us for dinner that night and we could talk about his day then do something special for the three of us. He agreed and we went on with our day.

Dinner came and went. He never showed. Like a fool, I thought "Oh, he must be having trouble on BART". An hour and a half after he was to be home he called --still at this guys house-- saying they "lost track of time". We were upset but things happen, right? Two more hours go by and he shows up. Now telling us that he actually realized what time it was a half hour BEFORE he had said he'd join us, but decided not to call because he "didn't want to get into it" in front of his date. Ouch! Wrong answer.

Now keep in mind that had he simply called and said that he lost track of time or needed more time or whatever, then we could have rescheduled our date, but instead we were left hanging. Again I asked him what he wanted and he said that he wanted to build a life with us... that he was committed to the triad and understood that he had "fucked up". We talked... we shared... we came to an understanding; he was not going to date outside the triad for awhile while he got his life together and worked out his other relationships and his job situation and his unfinished school. We said we could re-visit the open triad idea later, but that for now we needed to focus on the here-and-now. He said that he agreed and that it was actually for the best for him; that when he got overwhelmed that he had a tendency to jump into something new without regard to what was going on around him.

Things seemed great since then, although he had a strange habit of disappearing into his room for lengthy phone calls. I didn't think much of it. He and I went out the Sunday before Halloween to meet artist Paul Rucker at Ancient Ways in Oakland. While Paul and I chatted, he got a tarot reading. Afterward we all went to Walnut Creek for dinner and had a nice time. At some point in this period he made tentative plans with Chas for themed Christmas decorations for the house.

Tuesday was Halloween and we had my mom and best friend over. We all had a nice time dining on hor d'ouvres and cocktails. Wednesday my mom was still there and we watched a Japanese animated movie ("Spirited Away") that he had got from NetFlix. Good times.

Thursday night the three of us sat down to watch the next installment in our Buffy saga. It was the one where Buffy and Riley break-up. After it was over he said, "It's ironic that this episode was tonight." I was honestly thinking he was going to tell us that he had finally found a way to tell his guys that he was moving on but instead he said "I'm thinking I should move back to Minneapolis" contingent on him getting his old job back since he had no money and no place to live and since his old boyfriend had moved into a smaller apartment that didn't take dogs. The decision, he said, was made a week ago, and solidified by the tarot reading the previous Sunday. He had been making plans with his (almost?)ex and was going to start setting things in motion. I was shocked. Although I should have, I never saw it coming. The reason that he gave (at first) was the job market, saying that while the job market was improving he was competing with people who had lost their IT jobs in 2001 and so it was going to be impossible for him to get a job until he finished his schoolwork, which is very little, but he seemed to not be motivated to actually do it while he's been here, contrary to the whole reason for him coming. A strange reason, but I sadly accepted it. He said that he had thought things were over with his "husband" but that he had heard second hand that his husband was waiting for him to figure out what he was doing in order to get on with his life. So my previously nice guy decided to give it another shot with him. I understood and told his so. Then he said that things had never been the same between the three of us since the Steve thing, and that he felt that we had put unnecessary restrictions on him as he wanted to be in a relationship with us but that he didn't want to have to answer to anyone about sex (or love) outside the relationship. He said that Chas and I could have picked any other night to have our special dinner with him, but that we chose that night and it made him feel restricted. I reminded him that he was an adult and he didn't need to agree to the dinner if he didn't want to. Instead he agreed to our faces and felt restricted in secret. Then he tried to blame us for it.

So... Friday morning I talked to him again. I told him that his moving out was NOT contingent on him getting his old job back but in fact was going to happen no matter what. I knew he had no money, no job, and no place to go, so I told him he could stay until the end of the year (the original agreement) but that I felt strung along and lied to and so our relationship was definitely over. I told him that I was not anybody's "back-up plan". He said he felt bad because his other guys felt the same way and that now he had effectively made all the men he loved feel bad. I sat in silence.

He started packing almost immediately, and then told me that he was going to be staying at a friend's house in San Jose for the weekend and then leave for Minneapolis on Monday (today). I was sad, but knew that it was for the best. I asked him where he would be staying and he said he didn't know, but that he would find friends to couch surf for awhile. On Saturday I was to go to San Francisco with a friend from out of state and so I left thinking that I would see him on Monday when he made his final trek out to the mid-west. A couple hours later I received a text message from Chas telling me that he packed up his car and his dog and left. He wouldn't be back. I was surprised because he told me that he was leaving on Monday, but apparently he was leaving from San Jose instead. So I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye, hence this post, since I really need some closure.

Closure for me is coming in the form of lots of bitching and venting, some tollhouse cookies, and deleting the bastard from every internet networking site I have him friended on, including LiveJournal. It's not the decision to return to the mid-west that bothers me... it's the fact that he made the decision without me and actively engaged in deception in the meantime just to make sure that I wouldn't catch-on before he was ready.

I guess the good thing is that I can lay down my five-year torch for him finally. It sucks though because in handling things this way he lost a really good friend. I mean, how can you be friends with someone who lied to you like that? I certainly can't.

So... I'm sad. I loved him. I still do. I'll miss him. But I guess it's not really him that I'll miss, but the beautiful illusion that he projected. Now even that summer five years ago will be tainted in my mind. Hopefully after some time has passed I'll be able to separate them and cherish those memories again, but for now they are just another example of the selfish deception that he wove.